We need to exploit the "kit" market. Anyone can get or create forms. Only this unique group could create a truly useful and fun DC Kit.
Paul's in charge of generating ideas for new kits, including determining contents of the kits.
I'm in charge of packaging, including decorating the outside of the kits: we have a lot of glitter glue, googly eyes, pipecleaners, paint, and colorful pompons in my company.
Ray will be the very serious looking and sounding spokesman. He'll inspire trust in our product.
ACU Frank and allsteaks will work the customer complaint department. (Since there won't be any complaints coming in, they can also be in charge of friday potlucks and also janitorial services...)
Ritaanz and missk will handle security and also collections for any past due accounts.
We need jobs for Nae, Joannie, jitrbug, and many, many others, too. Paul, you are the idea man. You can come up with something for them.
I'll handle product delivery. Hope we can keep 70 trucks busy! And can back up Missk and Ritaanz on collections, since my "other" hat is Credit Manager.
We could add a super-hero costume to put on when we are needed to hand out kleenex or slay the Discrimination Dragon.
I first thought costumes from our entertainment group would be appropriate, but it might lead to too many misunderstandings. Speaking of, I just had a visual of Paul and Ray in the costume. Tights! Ugh! Forget the whole idea.
Here's something we could add, although you all could probably come up with a lot of uses for it...
On my desk, I have four wooden jigsaw puzzle pieces. Each is about an inch thick, and each is painted a different bright color. Employees and applicants alike are drawn to them, and anyone who sits at my desk feels compelled to put the pieces together.
The problem is, the pieces don't actually fit together.
That doesn't stop everyone from trying, of course... and I let them try. I let my VP-Lending work on it for 45 minutes one day. Yup, 45 minutes spent on FOUR mismatched puzzle pieces. I've even mastered the art of making brief eye contact with people who are working on the puzzle, slightly raising one eyebrow as if to say "So, you think you have what it takes to pass the puzzle test?" Or, by raising two eyebrows, I'm able to convey "Wow - you came really close there. Keep trying!"
Again, I'm not sure what YOU guys would use the puzzle pieces for, but I'm certain they would be a hit in our kit.
"ACU Frank and allsteaks will work the customer complaint department. (Since there won't be any complaints coming in, they can also be in charge of friday potlucks and also janitorial services...)" Oh thank you, thank you for including me in this new enterprise! Is there a job description for janitorial services yet? That's a pretty big step up for me!! And can we consider Friday happy hours once a month instead of potlucks? Cain't hardly wate til the furst staff meatin!!
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS Must be named "ACU Frank" or "allsteaks"
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES Anything and everything to do with potlucks and janitorial services, including but not limited to making potlucks happen, and cleaning up afterward.
All conversations, written and verbal, must drip with sarcasm.
Awesome, a perfect fit. But we'll both have to really work hard to develop "sarcasm" skills, since we prefer to address issues with sensitivity, sincerity, and seriousity... Right ACUF?
45 minutes sounds more reasonable if you remember that the guy was an accountant. Speaking from experience, we need everything, right down to the penny, to balance and fit accurately. I can just hear his thoughts as he worked it, "It has to fit here somewhere. Every piece has a place and every place has a piece. Yes, that will work...wait no, it must be this way...no, it has to work this way
I am sure the poor man was a zombie by the time he gave up.
Thats wierd Frank. I have taken puzzles with me to job fairs. They attract applicants and can be fun conversation starters. Of course, I only use puzzles that can be solved.
The un-solvable puzzle could be an excellent way to buy time with a bezerk employee. Just hand them the puzzle and say "here solve this while I process your grievance."
I stand firmly behind my decision to add the "Customer Complaint/Potluck/Janitorial Department." It's crucial to our success. I simply cannot keep up with all those responsibilities, while I am so busy gluing googly eyes and rainbow colored feathers on our product packaging.
Thank you for that vote of confidence Q! We will not disappoint you and while not a direct profit center we will reduce costs with very hard work and selective hiring. Oh, did I tell you I kind of wrenched my back cleaning up glitter last night? It's probably nothing; I'll just see how it feels after the weekend.....
Oh man... that was SO real it was scary. I started reaching for an 801.
Fortunately this is make believe and we can fire Allsteaks butt as soon as he leaves the premises... No, lets wait till he comes BACK on Monday and then FIRE him.
It will give us a chance to test the DC Field Kit prototype.
HRQ, easy on the googly eyes. This is a serious HR instrument not a preschool project.
Would anyone object to adding MORE COWBELL to the DC Field Kit?
Soooooooo are you saying we don't have any work comp or liability insurance yet? Forget I said anything about that back deal; it was just sore from not doing manuel labor for awhile. I really wanna see this business succeed. We'll get insurance then, right? I can wait.......
Oddly enough, in a make believe world, I still need to be controlling and antagonistic.
Did you just read that Allsteaks was going to "wait" to have his injury? Why is he on company premises still?
Hold on.. this just in.
Apparently the North Korean company that HRQ purchases her glitter uses radon laced lead particles in their products. That explains the glow coming from the stock room.
The Feds are at the front gate and want to speak with the company officers.
Emergency meeting - I nominate Allsteaks as President, CEO, and sole company officer.
I'm not his boss - whoever supervises the complaints/potluck/janitorial department needs to handle him.
Nominating him as Pres/CEO works for me. He can handle the feds, then send himself home. I left to start my weekend several hours ago. Mentally, anyway. :DD
It's taken care of. I explained to the feds that we are a research group working under a government grant, identifying weapons of mass degradation that our enemies are producing and methodically infiltrating our glitter industry. They seemed to understand completely. Now that I'm el presidentae, I'm going on vacation and leaving Q in charge. Q, that's an interesting glow you have going today......
Just for now, I'd like NOT to be in charge. I am temporarily sick and tired of feeling ineffective each day. Seems like lately I can count on one hand what went right, and there aren't enough fingers and toes in my family, cat included, to count all the stuff that's going wrong or has great potential to go wrong.
Tomorrow will be a new day. Allsteaks, please make everything better before then, so I can stop my whining.
Paul, a little 80's music might help.
Ray's return would also be useful. Where the hell is he?
You've been suspiciously absent from the DC Unit's planning meetings. Do you know something we don't?
Horn Tooting would be a great idea for a kit. I nominate you in charge of HT Kit Development. Let me know how I can help. I'm not allowed to play with the glitter any more and I refuse to do any more serious work, so I've got some spare time on my hands.
Q, even with your "no glitter" restriction you are invaluable to our future success. How about taking some quiet time to develop a hot name for our tool kit? Something that doesn't imply that it's another "HR" deal! Maybe something like "Smack Daddy's Horn Tooters"? BTW, all's swell with the business; all the workers are back after taking an immigration day off yesterday, and other than the radonited glitter production is exceeding expectations!!
Ladies and gentleman, please prepare yourself for the musical stylings of Paul in Cannon Beach. This 80s flashback is going out to HRQ who is feeling a little down in the dumps today.
HEY LITTLE SISTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? HEY LITTLE SISTER WHOS THE ONLY ONE.. only one only one only one.. HEY LITTLE SISTER SHOTGUN HEY LITTLE SISTER WHOS YOUR SUPERMAN?
HEY LITTLE SISTER SHOTGUN ITS A NICE DAY FOR A
WHITE WEDDING!!!
ITS A NICE DAY TO.. START AGAINN!!!! YEAaaughghhaaaeeiaaaoueeeee!!!
What? Not Billy Idol Fans? Hey I spiked my hair and everything.
Just had a flashback from the Friends episode when Ross has trouble with his leather pants. Involves body lotion and baby powder, if I remember correctly.
Comments
Paul's in charge of generating ideas for new kits, including determining contents of the kits.
I'm in charge of packaging, including decorating the outside of the kits: we have a lot of glitter glue, googly eyes, pipecleaners, paint, and colorful pompons in my company.
Ray will be the very serious looking and sounding spokesman. He'll inspire trust in our product.
ACU Frank and allsteaks will work the customer complaint department. (Since there won't be any complaints coming in, they can also be in charge of friday potlucks and also janitorial services...)
Ritaanz and missk will handle security and also collections for any past due accounts.
We need jobs for Nae, Joannie, jitrbug, and many, many others, too. Paul, you are the idea man. You can come up with something for them.
What shall we name our company?
I first thought costumes from our entertainment group would be appropriate, but it might lead to too many misunderstandings. Speaking of, I just had a visual of Paul and Ray in the costume. Tights! Ugh! Forget the whole idea.
Nae
On my desk, I have four wooden jigsaw puzzle pieces. Each is about an inch thick, and each is painted a different bright color. Employees and applicants alike are drawn to them, and anyone who sits at my desk feels compelled to put the pieces together.
The problem is, the pieces don't actually fit together.
That doesn't stop everyone from trying, of course... and I let them try. I let my VP-Lending work on it for 45 minutes one day. Yup, 45 minutes spent on FOUR mismatched puzzle pieces. I've even mastered the art of making brief eye contact with people who are working on the puzzle, slightly raising one eyebrow as if to say "So, you think you have what it takes to pass the puzzle test?" Or, by raising two eyebrows, I'm able to convey "Wow - you came really close there. Keep trying!"
Again, I'm not sure what YOU guys would use the puzzle pieces for, but I'm certain they would be a hit in our kit.
Oh thank you, thank you for including me in this new enterprise! Is there a job description for janitorial services yet? That's a pretty big step up for me!! And can we consider Friday happy hours once a month instead of potlucks? Cain't hardly wate til the furst staff meatin!!
JOB TITLE
Potluck and janitorial person
MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS
Must be named "ACU Frank" or "allsteaks"
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES
Anything and everything to do with potlucks and janitorial services, including but not limited to making potlucks happen, and cleaning up afterward.
All conversations, written and verbal, must drip with sarcasm.
Or....did he take them home to work on them longer? Oh, by the way, did you hire him in the first place?
I am sure the poor man was a zombie by the time he gave up.
Nae
The un-solvable puzzle could be an excellent way to buy time with a bezerk employee. Just hand them the puzzle and say "here solve this while I process your grievance."
I am thinking of selling my shares of the company and getting out while I still can.
First, let me drain the corporate bank account...
Oh, did I tell you I kind of wrenched my back cleaning up glitter last night? It's probably nothing; I'll just see how it feels after the weekend.....
Fortunately this is make believe and we can fire Allsteaks butt as soon as he leaves the premises... No, lets wait till he comes BACK on Monday and then FIRE him.
It will give us a chance to test the DC Field Kit prototype.
HRQ, easy on the googly eyes. This is a serious HR instrument not a preschool project.
Would anyone object to adding MORE COWBELL to the DC Field Kit?
I do admit my company is unusual in that we package pretty much everything using lots of color and sparkle.
Did you just read that Allsteaks was going to "wait" to have his injury? Why is he on company premises still?
Hold on.. this just in.
Apparently the North Korean company that HRQ purchases her glitter uses radon laced lead particles in their products. That explains the glow coming from the stock room.
The Feds are at the front gate and want to speak with the company officers.
Emergency meeting - I nominate Allsteaks as President, CEO, and sole company officer.
Who will second the motion?
Nominating him as Pres/CEO works for me. He can handle the feds, then send himself home. I left to start my weekend several hours ago. Mentally, anyway. :DD
Tomorrow will be a new day. Allsteaks, please make everything better before then, so I can stop my whining.
Paul, a little 80's music might help.
Ray's return would also be useful. Where the hell is he?
Horn Tooting would be a great idea for a kit. I nominate you in charge of HT Kit Development. Let me know how I can help. I'm not allowed to play with the glitter any more and I refuse to do any more serious work, so I've got some spare time on my hands.
HEY LITTLE SISTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
HEY LITTLE SISTER WHOS THE ONLY ONE.. only one only one only one..
HEY LITTLE SISTER SHOTGUN
HEY LITTLE SISTER WHOS YOUR SUPERMAN?
HEY LITTLE SISTER SHOTGUN
ITS A NICE DAY FOR A
WHITE WEDDING!!!
ITS A NICE DAY TO..
START AGAINN!!!! YEAaaughghhaaaeeiaaaoueeeee!!!
What? Not Billy Idol Fans? Hey I spiked my hair and everything.
Working on that kit name for you, allsteaks.