Annual Darwin Award Winners

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. This is the purging of the gene pool by natural selection. Here then, are the winners!

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.
The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had!

Anne in Ohio


  • 14 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • #2. That must be where the Wendy's finger came from.
  • My favorite Darwin winners:

    1. Late one night a fellow bent on robbing a jewelry store, lifted a manhole cover out of the street and threw it through the jewelry store window. After quickly grabbing up as much jewelry as he could while the alarm was blaring, the thief ran out of the store and fell through the open manhole.

    2. A lady, trying to escape her abusive boyfriend, ran out of the house into her car and locked the doors. Her boyfriend came after her with a shotgun and demanded that she unlock the car door. She instead started the car, intent on fleeing. The boyfriend, in a fit of rage, grabbed the shotgun by the barrel and smashed the windshield with the butt of the gun which caused the gun to go off leaving him with a fatal stomach wound.

  • This is not as good, but is true. It happened in a neighboring town. A man pulled into the drive-in window at the bank and sent a note in the drawer stating that he was robbing the bank and to put all the money in the drawer and send it out to him. The teller put him on speaker and told him she was not authorized to turn over money, but would have to get one of the officers. The teller told the would-be robber that she could call the officer in his office and hold up the phone to the microphone so the robber could state his business. The robber agreed, and the teller called the sheriff's office (located directly across the street), put the phone up to the microphone and the robber stated loudly and clearly what he wanted. The sheriff told him he'd be right there to handle it personally. He did.
  • Gotta love those cooperative criminal types..
  • These awards are always so funny - thanks for sharing.
  • 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

    Oh my, I think a couple of the escaped crazies ended up working in our plant...yikes!
  • Well, you're certainly on the route a driver of that caliber might take.
  • Yep, it'd be a challenge to find a cab or bus driver in Boston or NYC that speaks fluent English...AND is legal to work in the US.
  • The story of this bus driver gets better. He then offered free bus rides to a group of people waiting for a bus at a bus stop. He then delivered them to the institution and explained to the officials there that these people have anxieties that they are actually tourists. Took 'em a couple days to get it all sorted out.
  • Two quick stories from the Philly area. Cannot recall all of the details, but you'll get the idea.

    First one. Dear little old lady, someone's mom-mom, assists a 20-something couple (man and woman). It seems they need a lift to the bank. Nice lady takes the couple to the bank and patiently waits outside while the couple goes into the bank. When they come out, she then takes them to another location at their request. She didn't know that while inside, the young couple proceeded to rob the bank! Later, she was heard saying, "...and they seemed like such a nice couple.!"

    Second story. Pair of hooligans, believe it was two women, carjack a young woman and demand money. She says she doesn't have any money but could get some from the bank with her debit card, only that her debit card was at home. At the direction of the hooligans, the victim then drives to her home and while leaving the pair in the car, proceeds into her home, gets the debit card and then returns to the car! Then the victim proceeds to drive to the bank and, once again, leaves the car with the pair inside, proceeds to go into the bank and withdraws a sum of cash! The victim then returns to the car, once again, and turns over the money to the pair. The victim then drives back to her home where the hooligan pair leaves her and drives away in her car!

  • Many years ago, I was at the local police precinct (not as a criminal), when a couple came in to report that their house had been robbed. It came out that the wife had left the front door open while she visited her neighbor. Her husband got angry and started beating her up. The police pulled him off and arrested him. He protested contending that his wife couldn't be forced to testify against him. Whereupon one of the officers pointed to the other officers and the surveillence camera that had witnessed the whole thing.

    One of my friends was in the Court house on jury duty. Someone tried to steal her bag. They didn't realize that most of the "civilians" were police officers waiting testify.
  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 04-29-05 AT 08:31PM (CST)[/font][br][br]Larry, you've now earned a few indulgences to shorten your time in that special place, with the manhole story!! The image of that is hilarious!!

    A few more:

    A man goes into a convenience store with a $20 bill and asks for change. When the clerk opens the register, the man takes out a gun and asks for all of the money. The clerk gives him the money, which is $15, and the robber flees with the cash and leaves the $20 on the counter.

    A guy goes into a fast food restaurant in the early morning. He has a gun and tells the counterperson to open the register. The counterperson says he can't open the register without an order. The guy says he wants onion rings. The counterperson says that onion rings aren't available during the breakfast period; the guy leaves the restaurant.

    Oh no, I just realized a repeat of the $15/$20 convenience store story. Sorry!
  • There's a special place in the land-O-dumb-jokes for those who repeat them. Larry has a reprieve. We will let you know when your parole hearing will be held.
  • Thanks for the reprieve, Don. I can be in only one special place at a time.
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