A Little Humor for the Ladies
ScorpioHR
338 Posts
Dear Ladies:
>> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
>> If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
> that
>> you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>> If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
> that
>> you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
>> If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
>> you do not need a raise.
>> PERSONAL DAYS:
>> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>> Saturday and Sunday.
>> LUNCH BREAKS:
>> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
> they
>> can look healthy.
>> Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
>> maintain their average figure.
>> Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
>> drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
>> SICK DAYS:
>> We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
> are
>> able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.
>> RESTROOM USE:
>> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
> strict
>> 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>> will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open
> and
>> a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>> posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender"
> category.
>> SURGERY:
>> As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs. You should
>> not
>> consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
>> removed
>> constitutes a breach of employment.
>> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
> positive
>> employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>> complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>> allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should
>> be
>> directed elsewhere.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
>> If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume
> that
>> you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
>> If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
> that
>> you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
>> If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
>> you do not need a raise.
>> PERSONAL DAYS:
>> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>> Saturday and Sunday.
>> LUNCH BREAKS:
>> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
> they
>> can look healthy.
>> Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
>> maintain their average figure.
>> Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
>> drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
>> SICK DAYS:
>> We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
> are
>> able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.
>> RESTROOM USE:
>> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
> strict
>> 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>> will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open
> and
>> a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>> posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender"
> category.
>> SURGERY:
>> As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs. You should
>> not
>> consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
>> removed
>> constitutes a breach of employment.
>> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
> positive
>> employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
>> complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
>> allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should
>> be
>> directed elsewhere.
>>
>>
>>
>>
Comments
>> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
> strict
>> 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
>> will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open
> and
>> a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
>> posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender"
> category.
Humor for the ladies.....yup, definitely, since most of the pics will be of the male persuasion.xclap Now maybe I'll be able to find the morning newspaper!
Here's 2 more:
We require 2 weeks notice if you are leaving the company. That includes your death.
To avoid crowding in the bathrooms, the following schedule is mandated. If your last name starts with A-B-C your allotted time is 9:00 to 9:10, D-E-F is 9:10 to 9:20, etc. If you "miss" your turn, you will have to wait until the next day.