Message From the Rural Midwest
LarryC
1,267 Posts
One of our employees handed this to me this morning. Feel free to add your state to the "Midwest" if I inadvertantly left it out.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming; those states Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a ‘gravel road’. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. We saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped….by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have name for those little trout you fish for…bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might not want to have up to your ear at that time.
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive only on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have a quarter million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a year.
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp too…and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
15. There are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it.
16. The “opener” refers to first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we got golf courses. Just don’t hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is.
Now enjoy your visit and go home.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming; those states Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a ‘gravel road’. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. We saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped….by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have name for those little trout you fish for…bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might not want to have up to your ear at that time.
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive only on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have a quarter million dollar combine that we drive two weeks a year.
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp too…and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
15. There are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it.
16. The “opener” refers to first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we got golf courses. Just don’t hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is.
Now enjoy your visit and go home.
Comments
xclap
I can relate to some of this being that I grew up in Colorado & hunted. However, on #9, I like my steak well done, even a little crispy on the outside.
Now that is an interesting comment. Has anyone ever listened to Michigans (Wolverines) fight song. They call themselves the "Champions of the West"??? So which are they in, the west or midwest. Being from Colorado they are in the midwest and have nothing to do with the west. Just as Wyoming is part of the West not the Midwest. This is confusing. And I was pretty darn good at geography when I was in school.
And now for your listening enjoyment:
"Hail to the victors valiant,
Hail to the conquering heroes,
Hail! Hail, to Michigan,
The leaders and best,
Hail to the victors valiant,
Hail to the conquering heroes,
Hail! Hail, to Michigan,
The champions of the West."
(Meant to be sung loudly while clapping to the rhythm and pumping right fist into the air evertime the word "Hail" is sung.)
Ray, the video idea is out. My singing sounds like a cross between Rosanne Barr and William Hung. The flies even leave the room.
Chari
Then our car broke down in the painted hills - which is pretty much a desert. That wasn't so great, but we were rescued after an hour. The next day we went to the Wheeler County Fair (I'd never been to a fair without rides before!). I asked some little kid what his cow's name was and he said, "it's not a cow, it's a steer, and it don't have a name, it's meat!" Well, excuse' moi.
Then we watched the "kiddie rodeo" where the kids rode sheep and stuff. I rooted for the sheep and got booed by the audience. There was a big dance afterwards but my friend wouldn't let me go. I think I embarassed him.
The next day as I was trying to get out of my friend's mile and a half long dirt driveway, one of his stupid horses wouldn't move out of my way. I honked at it and then it tried to BITE the hood of my car. When it finally moved I ended up going about 15 feet further down the "road" before my tire went flat from what I'm told was a COW SYRINGE.
NUTS!