Religious Humor
HS
923 Posts
Wasn't sure I should post this, but figured, "what the heck". Gotta love a wacky sense of humor, right?
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!". The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result.
As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
Doesn't that brighten up your day!
**And secondly, another recent email about our forum topics of late. **
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
* Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God
* C'mon over and bring the kids.-God
* What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God
* We need to talk.- God
* Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
* Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
* That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.-God
* I love you and you and you and you and...-God
* Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
* Follow me. -God
* Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding -God
* My way is the highway. -God
* Need directions? - God
* You think it's hot here? -God
* Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
* Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
* Don't make me come down there. - God
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!". The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result.
As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".
The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord". The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
Doesn't that brighten up your day!
**And secondly, another recent email about our forum topics of late. **
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
* Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God
* C'mon over and bring the kids.-God
* What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God
* We need to talk.- God
* Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
* Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
* That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.-God
* I love you and you and you and you and...-God
* Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
* Follow me. -God
* Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding -God
* My way is the highway. -God
* Need directions? - God
* You think it's hot here? -God
* Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
* Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
* Don't make me come down there. - God
Comments
Good post, HS. We can always depend on you for some good humor.
x:D
It was just the kind of thing I needed to brighten my day!
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
evil incarnate. Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan
walked up to the old man and said:
"Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?," Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?," asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Oh, and you're welcome mwild and Whatever!
1} Daughter's Prayer: A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
2} PSALM 23 - FOR THE WORK PLACE ~ The Lord is my real Boss, and I shall not want any other, He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me. He gently reminds me to pray before I speak, And to do all things without murmuring and complaining. He reminds me that He is my only Source and not my job,
He restores my sanity every day and guides my every decisions. That I might honour Him in everything I do. Even though I face absurd amounts of e-mails, system crashes Unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, Discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't co-operate every morning. I will not stop - for He is with me, His presence, His peace and His power will see me through each day. He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me, He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go. His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus cheque; His retirement plan beats every Superannuation Plan there is. When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I bless His Name forever. Amen
3} The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed. Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. Here is the first one: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to thinkt he questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN....
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
I absolutely love the Forest joke! I still can't stop grinning....
EDIT ~ guess it's a good thing I didn't post this one before the riddle with the man and his horse...I rode across yet I (yeti) rode across...