answering machine messages 3

Tired of them yet?

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

Clint Eastwood voice: Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.

To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)

In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."

This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

Comments

  • 3 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • These are great! I particularly like the last one...I've been a big fan of The Princess Bride ever since I read the book when it first came out.
  • There was a book?

    Or are you Fred Savage? That doesn't count, since your grandpa actually did the reading. You just laid there and sniffled.
  • Yep, there is a book. It came out in 1973 and was written by William Goldman. I didn't discover it until the early 80's and the first thing I thought was "this would make such a good movie!" The movie is very true to the book, which is pretty unusual in my experience. My only complaint with the movie was that Robin Wright didn't meet my expectations of what the title character should look like...I think I expected someone more "delicately" pretty. But they got the rest of the characters just like I'd pictured them when I read (and re-read, and re-read) the book!
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