one liners
NaeNae55
3,243 Posts
These were in an email offer I got this morning. Thought they were worth sharing:
My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. - Joey Bishop
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. - Will Kommen
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. - Cary Grant
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors. - David Brenner
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior. - Rita Rudner
If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate. - Renee Duvall
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon. - Don Reber
I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. - Bob Thaves
My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. - Joey Bishop
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. - Will Kommen
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. - Cary Grant
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors. - David Brenner
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry
I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior. - Rita Rudner
If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate. - Renee Duvall
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. - Douglas Adams
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon. - Don Reber
I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. - Bob Thaves
Comments
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry