joke
NaeNae55
3,243 Posts
I have been a little too serious on the forum lately, so I am offering a joke as recompense. I heard it on another HR site Friday, so I hope it is new to you guys.
An older woman was driving down the road when she saw lights flashing in her rear view mirror. She pulled over and an officer walked up to her window.
Officer: Mam, you were speeding. May I see your driving license?
Woman: I'm sorry officer. I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have a driving license?
Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago due to drunk driving.
Officer: I see. May I see your registration?
Woman: I'm sorry, I don't have that either since I stole this car.
Officer: You stole the car?
Woman: Yes. I killed its owner, cut him up in pieces, and put him in the trunk in black plastic bags. Would you like to see?
At this point the officer moved back and drew his gun. He ordered the woman not to move and using his shoulder radio, called in all he had heard. Soon sirens could be heard coming from each direction. A number of squad cars pulled up around the woman's car. Soon she was surrounded by a number of police officers all with their guns drawn and aimed at her. A police captain moved in closer, introduced himself, and ordered her out of the car. She complied.
Captain: Mam, may we look in your trunk please?
Woman: Why certainly Captain.
She moved around to the back of the car, opened the trunk and stepped back. The captain looked in and was surprised to see it was empty and clean.
Captain: May I see your license and registration please?
Woman: Why certainly Captain.
The woman handed them over. The paperwork looked fine and checked out completely. The captain was puzzled.
Captain: Mam. My officer claims you said you had lost your license due to drunk driving, had stolen this car, and had the body of the owner in the trunk in pieces.
Woman: Why that big liar! I'll be he told you I was speeding too!
An older woman was driving down the road when she saw lights flashing in her rear view mirror. She pulled over and an officer walked up to her window.
Officer: Mam, you were speeding. May I see your driving license?
Woman: I'm sorry officer. I don't have one.
Officer: You don't have a driving license?
Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago due to drunk driving.
Officer: I see. May I see your registration?
Woman: I'm sorry, I don't have that either since I stole this car.
Officer: You stole the car?
Woman: Yes. I killed its owner, cut him up in pieces, and put him in the trunk in black plastic bags. Would you like to see?
At this point the officer moved back and drew his gun. He ordered the woman not to move and using his shoulder radio, called in all he had heard. Soon sirens could be heard coming from each direction. A number of squad cars pulled up around the woman's car. Soon she was surrounded by a number of police officers all with their guns drawn and aimed at her. A police captain moved in closer, introduced himself, and ordered her out of the car. She complied.
Captain: Mam, may we look in your trunk please?
Woman: Why certainly Captain.
She moved around to the back of the car, opened the trunk and stepped back. The captain looked in and was surprised to see it was empty and clean.
Captain: May I see your license and registration please?
Woman: Why certainly Captain.
The woman handed them over. The paperwork looked fine and checked out completely. The captain was puzzled.
Captain: Mam. My officer claims you said you had lost your license due to drunk driving, had stolen this car, and had the body of the owner in the trunk in pieces.
Woman: Why that big liar! I'll be he told you I was speeding too!
Comments
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's Annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This Baked ham is really delicious," The priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion,
but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know What you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and Said, "At your wedding."
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and Tell" assignment. Each student was Instructed to bring in an object to share with the Class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a Casserole."
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed Twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
Conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a Conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about Its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the Finest restaurants in New York, performances on
Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an Exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one
Dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
One Sunday morning this guy wakes up and tells his wife "I am NOT going to church today! I am staying in bed!"
To which his wife replies, "Well I find that extremely immature. Give me one reason why you shouldn't get up and go to church!"
"Ok" replies her husband, "I'll give you a reason! I don't like anyone there at church and none of them like me much either. Now its your turn. You give me a reason why I should go!"
"Ok" replies his wife, "You're the pastor!"
Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge!
In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover
holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge
leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday!? Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!
Way to go, Judge...
[url]http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/atheist.asp[/url]
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3.In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
[url]http://www.maddspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/wet-cat.bmp[/url]