Personnel Reduction
drehil
207 Posts
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee
who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand. And, once again, thanks for
all your years of loyal service with us!
And it's not even Friday yet!!!
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee
who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure
you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand. And, once again, thanks for
all your years of loyal service with us!
And it's not even Friday yet!!!
