Understanding Men
HRQ
2,849 Posts
My dad sent this to me. I told him the funniest jokes are those that are based on truth...
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Because I'm A Man...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
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Because I'm A Man...
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Comments
But thanks for letting us know you're around.
When are you coming through KS?
What does it say about us threading on a Sunday? Anal ystic?
I shall retort.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
NOT TRUE. I will call AAA. It makes me feel like I am getting something back for my yearly fee.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
I cant fix my car. Thats why there are mechanics.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Not me. Just let me sleep and I will be fine in 24 hours.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Sexist garbage. I have bought those pad things before for my lovely wife. Its not emberassing at all. Obviously they arent for me...
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Nope. I have three neighbors who are maintenance men and I just ask one of them to take a look.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)... applies to engineers mainly.
OK, I do like holding the remote. My ba ba.
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
This is stupid. Men dont think about cars or football.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
I love my mother in law. She has a standing invitation in our home.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
My wife likes action movies.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Ok, this is true.
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
Not true. My wife works and so we share the housework. I probably know the vaccum better than she does. I do my own laundry thank you.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Whatever...
>I shall retort.
>
>Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the
>car I will fiddle with a wire long after
>hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is
>not an option. I will win.
>
>NOT TRUE. I will call AAA. It makes me feel
>like I am getting something back for my yearly
>fee. [/font]
Meanwhile, this describes me perfectly. While I would never be dumb enough to lock my keys in the car (okay, I admit I have done it twice, but once was when I was like 17, so that doesn't count. I have no excuse for the other one)...anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, while I generally do not lock my keys in the car, the last time my mother did, it was when we were on vacation together, and I was determined to get the door open myself. Unfortunately, we had trouble finding a suitable instrument - the place where we were had only plastic hangers, but there was a department store nearby, so I decided we would walk there to see if we could buy wire hangers. Wouldn't you know they don't sell wire hangers anymore, apparently? There was some sort of stainless steel type of hanger, though, which I determined I would be able to untwist and bend to an acceptable shape, so we went back to the car, and I fiddled for a long time, and yeah, it took like 30-45 minutes or something, but I got that car door open! I WON. Way more satisfying than calling AAA (which my mom didn't have at the time, so we would have had to pay for someone to come open the car). Not to mention that it takes AAA an hour to get to you anyway, so I saved us time.
I also do not ask for directions.
[font color="3366cc"]
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
>very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
>engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
>another man shows up, one of us will say to the
>other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
>but now with all these computers and everything,
>I wouldn't know where to start." We will then
>drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy
>Communion.
>
>I cant fix my car. Thats why there are
>mechanics. [/font]
Meanwhile, I just changed the caliper on my rear passenger side wheel a few weeks ago (well, more like I helped my dad change it, who is awesome with cars). But I totally can (and do) change my brake pads, change my oil, identify the source of funny noises, come up with quick fixes, etc. Then again, when you drive a car with 212,000+ miles on it, you kind of pick up these things.
[font color="3366cc"]
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances
>stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
>despite evidence that this will just cost me
>twice as much, once the repair person gets here
>and has to put it back together.
>
>Nope. I have three neighbors who are
>maintenance men and I just ask one of them to
>take a look.
[/font]
I take appliances apart, but this often results in me being able to solve the problem, and if not, I always remember how to put the appliance back together again before calling an expert.
Why do I get the sense this is a trick question?
I'm not sure I understand why they get so upset when I beat them at arm wrestling. Or if they're going to get so upset, why they agree to arm wrestle me in the first place.
I think that will be Chapter 5 in my book. Keep an eye on the best seller list...
>he could easily whup you in arm wrestling.
[/font]
Bring it!
Speaking of arm wrestling, has anyone seen the movie "Infamous" about Truman Capote and his ordeal of writing "In Cold Blood".
As small and effeminate as Capote was, apparently he was something of an arm wrestling badass.
In the movie at least, he claims to have beaten several Hollywood tough guys including Humphrey Bogart if my memory serves.
Missk what was that movie with Stallone about arm wrestling? Over the top?
>Speaking of arm wrestling, has anyone seen the
>movie "Infamous" about Truman Capote and his
>ordeal of writing "In Cold Blood".
>
>As small and effeminate as Capote was,
>apparently he was something of an arm wrestling
>badass.
>
>In the movie at least, he claims to have beaten
>several Hollywood tough guys including Humphrey
>Bogart if my memory serves. [/font]
I haven't seen or heard about Mr. Capote's arm-wrestling abilities, but it wouldn't surprise me, given my arm-wrestling experiences.
[font color="6633cc"]>Missk what was that movie with Stallone about
>arm wrestling? Over the top? [/font]
That was it! Classic.
I am a fairly good sized guy but I wouldnt mind winning a few bets.
>
>I am a fairly good sized guy but I wouldnt mind
>winning a few bets. [/font]
Well there's definitely some amount of technique involved, but the technique isn't going to do much for you if you don't have the strength to back it up.
I guess my trick is making sure to maintain my 14+" biceps. ;-)
It probably also doesn't hurt (me) that my opponents routinely underestimate me. I have no qualms about using that to my advantage.
So, Missk, have you ever used your skills to a professional advantage? For example, at budget time?
But I see you're lining up your excuses already... ;-)
I've found that arm-wrestling isn't a favored way of settling disputes in the places I've worked recently, and I've been dismayed to find that all suggestions people have made to settle disputes that way have been mere jokes.
What was the title of this thread again? Oh yeah, understanding men. This then is a reasonable addition.....
In case you were asking for real, I'm totally serious about the arm wrestling. At some point in high school I discovered my talent for this when a substitute teacher needed someone to run an errand for him (it was to make a phone call to a Teamster officer, actually), and since two of us were eager to have an excuse to get out of the classroom, we needed some way of deciding who would get to run the errand. The substitute teacher suggested the other (female) student and I arm wrestle, and the winner would go. I ended up making the call. Hm...now that I think about it, I guess that was kind of an odd suggestion from the sub.
A short time later I had the occasion to arm wrestle (and defeat) a guy who outweighed me by about 100 pounds. That was pretty fun, so I decided to foster this ability I seemed to have. That worked well for me, but I've found that, while it's a fun thing for parties and bars, it doesn't come in so handy in the workplace.
>did not believe you would be boasting about your
>expertise with,ahem,arm wrestling.
[/font]
Wait, what's wrong with arm wrestling?
I do apologize if I came across as arrogant, though - that wasn't my intent. I was going for playful, which I guess may be hard to accomplish in an online forum where no one knows my personality.
Please, please! If you ever get the chance again please have someone video it (with modern phones that should be no problem) and send it to me. I DEFINITELY would like to see it. Hmmm....I wonder how I could train for it to be able to do it myself....
Nae