Funny Quotes
NaeNae55
3,243 Posts
I looked up the websites suggestion on my 'Fun Websites' thread. From quotesandjokes.com I got these quotes which are too funny not to share:
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett
She is a peacock in everything but beauty. - Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted." - Mae West (1892 - 1980)
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." - Mae West, Klondike Annie (1936 film)
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache." - Mae West
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny
Love is a serious mental disease. - Plato
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. -Stan Laurel
One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool -Edgar Watson Howe
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. -Unknown
Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense. --Unknown
Funny Quotes - Sporting Event Quotes
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class". (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator - Sandi)
x:D
Nae
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett
She is a peacock in everything but beauty. - Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support, rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted." - Mae West (1892 - 1980)
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." - Mae West, Klondike Annie (1936 film)
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache." - Mae West
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny
Love is a serious mental disease. - Plato
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. -Stan Laurel
One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool -Edgar Watson Howe
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. -Unknown
Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense. --Unknown
Funny Quotes - Sporting Event Quotes
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class". (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator - Sandi)
x:D
Nae
Comments
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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James Sokolowski
HRhero.com
He has Ray Charles's eye for art. - the other Ray
Woman: You could be...you look damn familiar