A conservative history lesson
zen
137 Posts
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the "Conservative Movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up at the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women - the rest became known as "girlymen." Some noteworthy liberal achievments include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary sidenote: Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, vice presidents & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed & created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history.
*It should noted that a Liberal will have an almost uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing.
**This was sent to me from my hippy-Liberal cousin.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the "Conservative Movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up at the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women - the rest became known as "girlymen." Some noteworthy liberal achievments include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary sidenote: Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, vice presidents & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed & created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history.
*It should noted that a Liberal will have an almost uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing.
**This was sent to me from my hippy-Liberal cousin.
Comments
Tell me is ain't so!
Wait! I just remembered. I don't drink beer, but I like red meat ok, won't even try sushi, and provide for my man (and he does the same for me). Ok. Whew! That was a close one! x;-)
That's fairly accurate. You won't get any contradiction with facts. All you'll get is an assortment of liberal minutia-talk, with a smattering of air-headed commentary about Bush being an ill-planned dumbo. It is an historical fact that liberals produce little and demand that the rest of us produce for them and give to 'the greater good'. And yes, we can talk about mailing a cow to a person starving in the third world. But, the truth is that they will bury that starving person in a ditch while the corrupt government official makes off with the cow, not that it would have ever gotten through customs.
Do I smell hemp and hear Joan Baez in the distance?
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."
Charlie Chaplin
"Everybody knows that conservatives speak one thing and do another. They are nothing but a bunch of radical right-wingers who wrap themselves in the flag, point their fingers at everyone else and claim to be more patriotic than they. They claim to want smaller government and curbs on spending, but government just gets bigger, the deficit doesn't matter and spending goes through the roof. They claim to have ethics, but always do everything they can to protect the ethically challenged in their group. Socially, all of them would like to return to the 1950's - that's their family values thing. It's a known fact that they use the excuse of global competition to hide their race to the bottom, where minimum wage jobs are the norm and the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a fact, prove me wrong."
Lost again.