Musical humor
ray a
5,703 Posts
A few of you may appreciate this, the rest can read some other thread.
Subject: Fw: Pending Trombone Legislation
>
> WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or
> annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder
> injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections seated
> within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to
> mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems
> reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the
> music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of
the
> Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack
> Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.
>
> There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of
> trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential
trombone
> lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several
> proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones!
> Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted
by
> the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument
on
> a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized
> for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who
may
> suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the
> same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was
> unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of
children.
>
> Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
> trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law
> enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an
> International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix
addicts,
> have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY)
> lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the
increase
> in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut."
> Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New
> York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A
> felony!
>
> Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books
> that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban
of
> screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly
and
> unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property. Filthy unsanitary
> habit which wil;l help spread the flu this year. One popular response to
the
> spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer
> sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a
> trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially
> effective in identifying violators of this statute because career
criminals
> have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that
> what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or
other
> legal assaul weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when
> used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that
> have already been approved by many state legislatures.
>
> Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston
and
> the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional
> single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance
of
> of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
> eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of
> Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the
> period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became
an
> integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite
> America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are
> isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power
of
> the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the
> founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
>
> Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm
Gettin'
> Sentimental Over You."
>
> (author unknown)
If you've read this far, congratulations, you obviously need more work to do. BTW, I play the dreaded double trigger bass trombone referenced above.
Subject: Fw: Pending Trombone Legislation
>
> WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or
> annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder
> injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections seated
> within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking...not to
> mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems
> reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the
> music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of
the
> Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack
> Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.
>
> There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of
> trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential
trombone
> lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several
> proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass trombones!
> Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted
by
> the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended instrument
on
> a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized
> for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who
may
> suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the
> same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was
> unlocked" is no excuse! Trombones should be stored out of reach of
children.
>
> Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a
> trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law
> enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an
> International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix
addicts,
> have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY)
> lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the
increase
> in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut."
> Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New
> York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A
> felony!
>
> Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books
> that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban
of
> screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly
and
> unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property. Filthy unsanitary
> habit which wil;l help spread the flu this year. One popular response to
the
> spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer
> sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a
> trombone - Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially
> effective in identifying violators of this statute because career
criminals
> have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that
> what eye-witnesses reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or
other
> legal assaul weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when
> used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that
> have already been approved by many state legislatures.
>
> Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston
and
> the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional
> single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance
of
> of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
> eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of
> Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the
> period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became
an
> integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite
> America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are
> isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power
of
> the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the
> founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
>
> Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm
Gettin'
> Sentimental Over You."
>
> (author unknown)
If you've read this far, congratulations, you obviously need more work to do. BTW, I play the dreaded double trigger bass trombone referenced above.
Comments
**When we do for others what they should do for themselves, we disempower them.**
**When we do for others what they should do for themselves, we disempower them.**
"I feel your pain"...literally. As you may know, I play on a Conn 88H, pre-1973. I know this will further confuse the un-informed, but you know what I mean.
BTW, did you know the trombone was mentioned in the Bible, in the Old Testment? The word is "sackbut" and in the Hebrew it means "push-pull". Therefore the trombone is a Biblical instrument. Unlike the saxaphone which has no Biblical mention.
The German word for trombone is Pausanne which means "big trumpet". I believe when Gabriel blows his horn it will be a bass trombone since they can develop more decibels than any other brass instrument.
As to your bass, while in college a friend of mine switched to playing the bass. I tried it and about died from lack of oxygen!
**When we do for others what they should do for themselves, we disempower them.**