A couple of jokes...

nohr4u1yr

Would you marry again?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the
women asks, "Honey, if I died would you marry again?"

The man said, "No, dear."
The women said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" and the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

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A little flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said. "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "you know". With a death grip in place, she said, "you know, if your firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

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Mad Cow Disease

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was the for?" he said.

"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it."

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of a horse I bet on." he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I shoud have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up behind him and hit h! im again, this time with an iron skillet which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

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Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new
blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked
you to do?"

(You'll love this answer.)

The wife explains, "I did, they're in your tackle
box."

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Shelley

ritaanz

That'll be the day I pack his blue silk pajamas.

These were funny. Especially Mary Lou.

Shadowfax

Speaking of talking horses (Ed and Mary Lou) a reporter showed up at Ol MacDonald's farm and wanted a tour. As Mac took the scribe about the acreage, they came upon a horse. Reporter asked if he could interview the horse. Mac said, 'sure, but he cain't talk'. Whereupon the reporter asked how the horse was treated and about his living conditions, to which the horse articulately responded. Ol Mac was dumbfounded. A bit later they come on a pig. Same question of the reporter, and Mac's reply, 'he cain't talk, but knock yersef out.' Well, the pig talked like no tomrrow and the reporter took furious notes. Shortly after lunch they ran into a sheep. Reporter obligingly asks Mac if it would be ok to interview the Sheep. 'Sure' says Mac, 'but ya cain't believe a word he sez.'

POPEYE

Here's a very "clean" one.

>A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. >After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. >At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why she does not eat the peanuts herself ,whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of her old teeth, she is not able to chew them. >"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, >"I just love the chocolate around them."

HRinNH

Wow, when you said 'clean' you really meant it.

Whirlwind

Thanks for for those! Here's one in return:

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."

lhill

Another: A woman in her late 70's is staggering down the corridor of a medical center, eyes glazed over. Dr. Smith, coming out of his office, rushes up to her and asked if she's OK. She shakes her head. "I just saw Dr. Jones and he told me I'm pregnant." "Impossible!" says Dr. Smith. He settles the old lady on a bench and goes off to find out what the heck is going on with Dr. Jones. He confronts Dr. Jones in his office. "I saw an elderly lady in the hall who was extremely agitated. She said you told her she's pregnant. Did you?"

Dr. Jones smiled, and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"