HR and Performance Reviews

Only HR folks could appreciate this one. I wonder what the 360 review would look like? :)

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer.
"You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."


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  • Here's a blast from the past, but some of these are timeless.

    Famous actual performance review excerpts:

    Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom -- and has started to dig.
    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
    This associate is really not so much of a has-been: more of a definitely-won't be.
    She brings a lot of joy whenever she leaves a room.
    The employee works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a trapped rat.
    He would argue with a signpost.
    Whenever she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
    This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
    He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
    This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    This employee should go far -- and the sooner the better.
    He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company.
    The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
    The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
    He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
    When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
    Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
    A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
    A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
    Bright as Alaska in December.
    Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
    Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
    He's so dense light bends around him.
    If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
    If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
    If you give her a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
    One neuron short of a synapse.
    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; she only gargled.
    Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
    Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

    #1 thing a consultant shouldn't say: "I could tell you the answer right now, but we're committed to a three month project..." #-o
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