Seminars and the Gag Reflex

mwild31

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 01-29-04 AT 05:21PM (CST)[/font][br][br]In my company - we are very small - I ask my receptionist to give me all of the HR 'junk mail', included in this rather broad category is any company trying to hustle their seminars on my poor unsuspecting managers/supervisors. The materials run the gamut of flashy brochures with quotes from 'experts' that claim to support their wares, free pens, 4 paid - one free deals. Gag. This one made me laugh though. It's not from M. Lee & I won't name the company - so, don't panic James. This one, IN JUST ONE DAY, will teach 'managers, supervisors, management trainees, anyone who supervises people and wants to boost productivity, morale and quality of employee's work' the following:

Understanding conflict and hostility
Getting to the root of the problem
The 6 steps of progressive discipline
Company rules
When and how to document
Salvaging the marginal employee
Counseling statements
3 reasons to fire
the ABC test of firing
Learn how to fire and not get sued
When and how to write down details
8 steps of firing
3 basics of motivation
6 fundamental rules of human behavior
Why people do what they do
Respecting differences
What motivates employees besides money & how to provide it
When to use the power of emotion and when to use logic
4 Essentials of goal-setting
How to overcome obstacles
Negotiating your goals up and down the ladder
Updating your plan of action
Using your goals to get others to take over your load
5 ways to listen better that will pay off

whew! just catching my breath

The trick to knowing what's behind people's "body language"
3 keys to give directions that get results
The 3 basics of supervisory success
Developing confidence
Avoiding the "I win - you lose" shoot-out
Games people play.

Heck, for only $179.00, I think I'm going to sign up - I just need three more friends......

Parabeagle

Hey! I attended that one!

At the end of the day they gave us all Masters degrees in Business Administration. x;-)

Roberta

That reminds me of a "Dilbert" cartoon. Dogbert offers an MBA in an afternoon. The first question of the final--"Do you have a check?" Second question--"What is today's date?"

The last panel was "You can pick up your diploma from the laser printer before you leave."

Every time I see those brochures, I just think about that cartoon and chuckle.

Don D

I think that means "We will assemble you in a cold hotel seminar room at the Ramada Super Junior and teach you to write down the whole list in a 24-hour period". Then if you want details of how to approach each 'challenge', that's phase II and you can sign up for courses covering 4 subjects per day at $199 per day.

Paul in Cannon Beach

Hey, I'll save you the $179.

Getting to the root of the problem - I'ts you!
The 6 steps of progressive discipline - Ignore, repeat 5 times, and fire!
Salvaging the marginal employee - promote them to VP!
the ABC test of firing - Always Be Cheerful!
3 basics of motivation - money, sex, power
6 fundamental rules of human behavior - they will not do what you want them to do. Say that 6 times to yourself.
Why people do what they do - Everybody sing! "Why do birds sing so gay.."
Respecting differences - I respect the fact that you are an idiot.
What motivates employees besides money & how to provide it - ummm....
How to overcome obstacles - make someone else do it.
Updating your plan of action - RETREAT!
The trick to knowing what's behind people's "body language" - identifying the one finger salute.
The 3 basics of supervisory success - don't let them sense your fear
Avoiding the "I win - you lose" shoot-out - "shoot out?" I don't want to hear the term "shoot out" in a supervisor seminar.
Games people play - Like the undermine your authority, reduce your budget, and add to your workload until you quit in frustration game.

Ok, send me your check for $1.79

Parabeagle

You are in rare form today, Paul. Must be the soggy shoes from all the rain, right? x;-)

These are too funny. They deserve a thread of their own.

mwild31

Why Paul x:o I didn't realize that you were a smart aleck! x:-)

Okay - wait by your fax machine - I'm sending the money today x;-)

sonny

xclap

System

That's too funny, Paul. 8-}

James Sokolowski
HRhero.com

marc

I don't remember signing up, but the info was so valuable I will email you the $1.79, but be careful of the virus that will no doubt tag along.

Very funny.

ritaanz

Hey, where's the one on harrassment? confronting violent employees? dealing with drugs? and the best one, restroom etiquette?

mwild31

Interesting you should ask Ritaanz - you can get all of that information as well as how to deal with problem employees at the next seminar for $135.00 (you get a discount if you attend both). x:-)

Paul in Cannon Beach

In all seriousness, I believe that if you gain just three useful pieces of information from a seminar, its been a success.

The real value of these seminars may be in getting employees out of the office for a day with a free meal at the company's expense. Hopefully they learn a few things and get excited about doing their jobs again.

I'd like to see a seminar titled "Why you are doing everything wrong and will probably go to jail."

Don D

There's a lot of truth in what Paul says here. It is valuable for an employee to get out and get away once in awhile. I think also that it adds an enormous feeling of value to the employee when he/she looks around the seminar room and listens as others introduce themselves and he/she knows the company valued him highly enough to invest in him. Have any of us ever felt "less valuable" sitting in a seminar? Certainly not. Doubtfully few if any of us have gone to a seminar and returned with absolutely nothing.

mwild31

I've attended two seminar's by this same company & each time, they were completely ridiculous - the only things I came back with was new gripes about the commute to Seattle & the outrageous rate they charge to park in that city. But, now that I think about it, by attending in the past, I know which ones NOT to send my folks too and which ones to send them too. So, I completely agree with Don - I did come away with something x:-)