Speaking of flatulence...

Parabeagle

The thread in that "other" forum discussing flatulence reminded me that there hasn't been a decent joke posted on here all day. While I don't claim this joke is decent, it involves airplanes, one of my favorite subjects, and coincidentally also involves the above-referenced topic. Enjoy. Or, don't enjoy. Your choice. x:-)

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain calling from the flight deck. On behalf of the crew and myself I'd like to welcome you aboard Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we anticipate a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and AGHHHH! - OH MY GOD!"

Then silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

ray a

Beagle, I refuse to lower my very high standards and participate on this thread.

Parabeagle

What can I say, Ray? I have PBS aspirations with a BBC mindset. x;-)

mwild31

Okay Parabeagle - you started it:

THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FLATULENCE: (BUT WERE TO EMBARRASSED TO ASK)

Flatulence is a concoction of air, methane gas and other gases. Because methane is odorless, it is these other gases that provide the aroma.

The unpleasant odor associated with flatulence comes from foods containing chemicals such as sulfur. Some of the more notorious suspects would include eggs, beans, cabbage, cheese and beer.

Men average approximately 13.63 expulsions of gas per day. Women (supposedly) average 3.28.

The legendary "Blue Flame": 12% of men admit to having ignited their own flatulence.

When posed the question, "How long do you have to be 'going out' with someone before you'll pass gas in their presence?" the average of responses came out to 92.77 days -- 62.98 for men and 149.82 for women.

Parabeagle

Oh, man! #-o

SOOOO much more than I wanted to know, Mwild... Ray's gonna get you for this and I shall be redeemed in the eyes of the tasteful. x;-)

FHR

Oh Boy. Here I go embarassing myself.
My SO were about three months into our relationship. We were hanging out on my back deck when I got up from a sitting position and, out of my control, I "flatulated" I started apologizing profusely when I turned to him and saw that he had a beatific smile on his face. Apparently his ex wife, in ten years of marriage, had never let one go- ever! Not only that but she would'nt let him, or her children, do it in her presence.
He claims he fell in love with me that night.
How romantic!x:-8

Parabeagle

Oooooooookaaaaayyyy... Should I be worried about where this thread is going to go next? I'm afraid I've created a monster.

rad

I have a friend like that, she will not even admit that she has gas, let alone pass it. When she had a c-section she was in excruciating pain not from the incision but from the gas in her abdomen. I don't think she knew HOW to pass it, she was in agony, her face was gray, she couldn't even walk. I said girl, you need a few deep knee bends to set you straight!

ray a

All I can say Beagle, is you have brought out the worst in Mwild and FHR.

mwild31

Ray - I'll redeem myself in your eyes one day I promise! x:-)

Parabeagle

I don't see how. I wasn't trying. They did it all by themselves. I'm not accountable. I can't be held responsible for this thread.

FHR

My dear Beagle, are you really trying to claim deniability? My, my are politics in your future?
x;-)

Cinderella

Although gas, gases, and gassists don't offend me, I always make sure I say "slice some cheese" instead of "cut some cheese". I think it's because when I was little if you uttered the latter you would be followed by jokes all day long.

I heard once that everyone, whether they know it or not, emits at least a "pint's worth" a day; men and women. Who knows. All I know is my parent's rottweiler at least doubles that. x:D

Cinderella

Don D

I stumbled upon this thread tonite quite by accident, and, having polished off a couple of brews, find myself quite uninhibited. You will all be surprised to know that I am typically rather reserved; however, now I am not, so brace yourselves.

When I was 14, my older male cousin and a few of his friends taught me by observation, the fine art of igniting a flame. I won't go into much detail other than to report to you that having sat upon the couch and reached heavenward with your heels, one of the 'participants' would flick a bick and the resulting blue-flame would amaze the most unassuming of innocent bystanders.

I tried that once, during a first marriage, and the result was not what I had intended. I also recall that some 3 months into that marriage, it was a typical activity for me to snatch the covers up and secure them at the head of the bed and break forth with a thunderous volley across the bow of the ship.

The current bride, as most women do, denies ever having particpated personally in the activity about which this thread is written. Why do they lie?

On a last note, I will report that I frequently take road trips through the country with an old friend. Among the most fun things to do is hit the 'lock' button on the electric windows as soon as a volley is "farred". Only to be followed by the question, "Who farred that shot?" And the retort, "I farred it!"

ray a

Wow, an uninhibited Don! Never thought I would see that.

Mwild, I hold Beagle completely responsible.

My wife will not use the word, fart. Instead she refers to flatulance as a "fret". So, when somebody says they are fretting over something, we die laughing.

Whatever

Originally, I thought this topic would be a gas. But, it has sunk to a lower level (one that makes me blue). Now, I think this topic smells. Forgive me for airing my opinions, but I'm off to smell the roses. x:D

Parabeagle

Geez, it was just an innocent airplane joke, and this thread has gone completely South (see, Don? I capitalized it)! What have all you people been smoking?

ray a

And you expected PBS level responses? 8-|

Don D

I find it interesting that, until my post moved it to the top, this thread was located squarely between the threads of Brains For Sale and Morons. Quite appropriate I would say. As usual, Beagle has done his fine job of lighting a fuse and running off behind the bushes to watch the explosion. I'll bet he was a hoot in elementary school! And his clone, Raymond..........x:-)

ray a

Don, the brews have lost their effect from last night? :oo

Whatever

The correct question is not what have we been smoking, but what have we been inhaling --a question I refuse to answer because possibly (or maybe not) I could incriminate myself (or in the case of second hand smoke, someone else). x;-)

Parabeagle

Oh, that's right - there is a fine distinction as in, "I didn't inhale." Of course, this was the same man who said it depended on what the definition of "is" is. x;-)

ray a

You two aren't speaking ill of a democrat are you?

Parabeagle

Who? Me? Speak ill of a democrat? I AM a democrat. I just refuse to acknowledge Kennedy liberals, Kerry, Dean, Lieberman, and General whatshisface... jury's still out on Edwards as far as I'm concerned, but as a personal injury lawyer he's already got one strike against him. x;-)

ray a

Bet you can't wait for Hillary to run for Prez.

Whatever

Ray, you're beginning to sound more and more like the rest of us democrats. Welcome. x:7

Parabeagle

Hilary who?

ray a

Bill's better half. BTW, I never admitted to being a democrat - I'm way too conservative.

Parabeagle

True story (supposedly): When Hilary visited Iraq, the Blackhawk helicopter that ferried her around had the call-sign "Broomstick One"

mwild31

"I AM a democrat."

You've got guts Parabeagle - I don't proudly proclaim that information any more - I just quitely whisper it to my really, really close friends. x:-)

Parabeagle

Hey, my family was one long line of Kennedy liberals and union-label types. I did switch to the republican party in the early 80s, but switched back to democrat when the republicans failed to endorse adoption of the Equal Rights Amendment.