How moral does YOUR boss need to be?
Zanne
289 Posts
This really isn't me folks. A friend, who works in marketing for another company, came to me with a moral problem. Over the past year, there have been rumors that her boss, a high profile guy in the area, has been having an affair with a co-worker, a high profile gal in the community. Both are married to other individuals. (Who strangely enough, work at the same hospital)
My friend asked her boss if they were true and he said they weren't. She then defended her boss to all the community whispers and gossip.
Today, she sat in my office, crying. She has "found out" (don't ask me - I didn't ask for the proof) the rumors are true. She feels like a big stupid heel for defending him, and feels that her trust in his word is kaput. Her problem? She loves her job, but feels that she can't trust her boss's word in personal issues or in work issues any more. So, she sought advice from me - should she stay or go?
On one hand, his personal life, as long as it doesn't cross into work, is his own business. On the other, if he lied about the rumors, what else would he lie about? I know of a CEO who will not hire anyone that he knows of that has cheated on his spouse. The reason? If this individual broke the most important covenent in his life (marriage) what other rules, promises, etc., else will he break to get what he wants? (Sorry guys, I had he/she in here, but it looked long and awkward. If it will make you feel better, please insert the gender of your choice when reading the aforementioned sentence.)
So, what would you do? Stay or go? Just a little moral exercise today.
Zanne
My friend asked her boss if they were true and he said they weren't. She then defended her boss to all the community whispers and gossip.
Today, she sat in my office, crying. She has "found out" (don't ask me - I didn't ask for the proof) the rumors are true. She feels like a big stupid heel for defending him, and feels that her trust in his word is kaput. Her problem? She loves her job, but feels that she can't trust her boss's word in personal issues or in work issues any more. So, she sought advice from me - should she stay or go?
On one hand, his personal life, as long as it doesn't cross into work, is his own business. On the other, if he lied about the rumors, what else would he lie about? I know of a CEO who will not hire anyone that he knows of that has cheated on his spouse. The reason? If this individual broke the most important covenent in his life (marriage) what other rules, promises, etc., else will he break to get what he wants? (Sorry guys, I had he/she in here, but it looked long and awkward. If it will make you feel better, please insert the gender of your choice when reading the aforementioned sentence.)
So, what would you do? Stay or go? Just a little moral exercise today.
Zanne
Comments
But, your friends seems to be shaken to the core. I'm assuming she's like most of us that her job isn't a hobby - she depends on her paycheck. So maybe she should stay but start looking around. You can't stay at a job if you're questioning every move your boss makes.
I still managed to work for them, maintain MY set of ethics and ignore their lack of ethics. If the whispers become public and she is ever confronted as to why she defended the jerk, all she has to say is "my conclusion was based on the best information I had available to me at the time" and stare down the idiots who follow up with other questions.
And when you get down to it, who are any of us to suggest that one transgression automatically begets another? Sure, the propensity may be there to commit further indiscretions, but we are still human beings who can choose to do or not do something.
But to your friends reaction - I guess most of us - myself included -expect people to behave as we would, with the same set of morals and reactions but that is very rarely true. And I am always dissappointed when people act unethically. If the gossip millers gang up on her, she can simply respond that they were acting on their information and she was acting in hers. And when she hears gossip on the future, tell her to run!
It's his time. That doesn't effect how I do my job, unless he starts bringing to work with him. Once that happens then I'd start looking. Until then it's his business and I wouldn't waste my time being bothered with it.
His morals and personal decisions aside, she had no business asking him the question and he certainly had no obligation to answer it.
Tell your friend to grieve if she must, on her own time. Her saint has descended from a pedestal she erected for him. Then tell her to go back to work.
It was none of her business. Get on with life. That specific situation is everywhere. For all she knows, the spouse is aware of it, in denial, doesn't care, who knows. It doesn't matter. Mind your own business.
I've seen this in a couple office situations where I've worked, discussions about other's personal lives and it's a waste of time.
My boss has told me that he has lied to me and will probably again if it suits his needs. I have to make a decision continually whether or not to trust him. I have even asked him point blank if he is telling me the truth or lying again, just to put him on the spot.
Can you live with his deceipt or not? Was his deceipt done to hurt you? What was his intent? I doubt he was trying to intentionally deceive you, but was trying to cover his butt. What was his reaction after he knew you found him out and he knew he had lied to you? Any remorse?
In this case, when he was backed into a corner about his personal life by somebody "not involved", his only reaction was to try to get away with something. I'm not saying it's right, but I am saying that she needs to move on. The chances are very slim he's going to have a sit-down with her and apologize for mis-leading her.
If your friend feels that strongly against this type of behavior and feels that respect has been lost, etc, then maybe it's time to look for another job. If I liked my job, I would simply look at it as his own business and he will have to take the consequences...and then go on with my job. If I couldn't deal with it, I'd resign.
I too am surprised that your friend flat-out asked her boss if the rumors were true. Years ago, it came to my attention that a married dept head was allegedly "dating" an hourly employee, not a direct report, but under his supervision when he pulled Manager on Duty shifts. The rumors became disruptive to both individuals' departments.
Rather than ask him if he was dating the employee, I simply explained that his behavior ("friendly" drinks after work, going hiking together, phone calls during work shifts, etc..) with this employee was resulting in rumors that I thought he should know about.
Of course, he was incredibly upset that anyone could think he would have an inappropriate relationship outside his marriage. I told him he should be aware of the perception so he could adjust his behavior appropriately.
Things quieted down, the hourly employee eventually quit for another job.
About two years later, the managers wife calls me at my new job. Says she and he are divorcing because she found out about his girlfriend from work, (among others) and she wanted to meet me for lunch to chat about it. Of course I declined.
In the end, the people to feel sorry for are the innocent victims - their families.
As far as continuing to work there, she should be asking herself - would she feel any better if her boss said "yes, I am"? What would she have done if this was the case - did she think him acknowledging this would convince him to change his ways?
She should list the pro's and con's of what she likes and doesn't like before leaving too soon. As someone else posted - the devil you know.... There are no guarantees that another workplace wouldn't present the same dilemma.
Tell your friend to get real. She needs to recognize her boundaries, no matter how good her intentions were.
I guess I needed a reality check to see if I had become "too HR"....
Thanks!
Zanne