Thank you for calling The Pentagon...
Parabeagle
3,085 Posts
First, knowing how sensitive everyone is, I want to preface this posting by saying that it is meant as humor only and is not to be taken seriously -- except the bit about the Air Force -- and I certainly do not intend to offend any of my brothers (and sisters) in arms.
Thank you for calling the Pentagon’s Rapid Response Voice Mail. All operators are busy at the moment or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, details of the specific crisis and a number at which you can be reached. Or, if you require more options, please select from the following menu:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the US Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate, good hotels and can be solved with one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs or standoff weapons, press 2 for the US Air Force. (Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring stealth or satellite technology provided they could provide additional research and development funding).
If you need gray funeral bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write to the US Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis, and only for cash customers.
If your inquiry is urgent and requires immediate response, please press 3 for US CENTCOM and Special Operations Group. Someone will be paged from the cabana on the beach in Tampa and will return your call as soon as possible.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for calling the Pentagon.
Thank you for calling the Pentagon’s Rapid Response Voice Mail. All operators are busy at the moment or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, details of the specific crisis and a number at which you can be reached. Or, if you require more options, please select from the following menu:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the US Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate, good hotels and can be solved with one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs or standoff weapons, press 2 for the US Air Force. (Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring stealth or satellite technology provided they could provide additional research and development funding).
If you need gray funeral bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write to the US Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis, and only for cash customers.
If your inquiry is urgent and requires immediate response, please press 3 for US CENTCOM and Special Operations Group. Someone will be paged from the cabana on the beach in Tampa and will return your call as soon as possible.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for calling the Pentagon.
Comments
This is hilarious - the only thing I would add is "good hotels and restaurants..." As I was contemplating joining the Air Force in 1989, I remember my recruiter telling me after I explained my concerns regarding the dangers of war, "War? We haven't been to war in almost 20 years - and I think that's a good track record. No, you'll get a nice administrative job, working 7:30 to 4:30 (0730 to 1630 hours) Monday through Friday - it will be a cake walk." Taught me a valuable lesson - recruiters make terrible fortune tellers x;-)