A colleague sent this to me; I though it worth sharing.

Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom:

· Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
· The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
· It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
· Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
· Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
· No one is listening until you accidentally break wind.
· Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
· Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
· If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
· Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in that person’s shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
· If you lend someone 10 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
· If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
· Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
· Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
· Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
· The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
· A closed mouth gathers no foot.
· Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
· There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
· Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· Never miss a good chance to shut up.
· When we are born we are naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our bottoms, then things get worse.


  • 16 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Here are some I found lying around:

    - Death and taxes are inevitable, but at least death doesn't get worse every year.
    - Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
    - Always let a sleeping dog lie. When he wakes up, he won't the truth anyway.
    - If at first you don't succeed, file an appeal.
    - If at first you don't succeed, blame HR.
    - If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
    - That was Zen. This is Tao.
    - Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
    - If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
    - If a man speaks in the forest and his wife isn't around to hear him, is he still wrong?
    - He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

    James Sokolowski
    Senior Editor
    M. Lee Smith Publishers
  • To do is to be - Plato
    To be is to do - Socrates
    Do be do be do - Sinatra

  • I haven't heard most of these. Some are simply hilarious!!! Brought a serious case of the chuckles to my afternoon. Thanks for passing them on.
  • Can I add these???

    If you think your too small to make a difference - You haven't been in bed with a mosquito.

    The best way to forget your own problems is to help solve someone else solve theirs.

    If there's no wind - ROW!

    Do not follow where the path may lead.
    Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

    If opportunity doesn't knok, Build a door.

  • Thanks for the laughs, on a rough friday!
  • Along the same vein...


    I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace.

    I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the living sh** out of someone I have never liked.

    I feel better already.

  • I would love to meet Leslie......but, I would not turn my back on her.
  • My favorite coffee mug:

    "If you love someone, let them go . .
    if they don't come back . .
    hunt them down and kill them!"

  • Great way to start a Monday! A cup of coffee flavored with Irish cream and modern Zen. Luck of the Irish to you all.
  • I've always liked these:
    "The best things in life aren't 'things'."

    and...."Every day above ground is a good one!"
  • Appropriate for the day:


    May there always be work for your hands to do;
    May your purse always hold a coin or two;
    May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
    May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
    May the hand of a friend always be near you;
    May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

    Everyone have a great St. Paddy's Day - and don't drink TOO much green beer...
  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 03-17-03 AT 04:19PM (CST)[/font][p]I'm Scotch-Irish. Here's my cheer to ya'.

    May you never forget the sound of glass packs on a 56 Ford.
    May you never forget the interior of a 65 Chevy Impala Super Sport.
    May you always remember crawling from the front seat into the back and why
    May you never get asked by your kids if you ever inhaled.
    May you have at least one really good friend when you turn 50.
    May you never forget the smell of your mother's kitchen.
    May your refrigerator always keep beer and wine at exactly 35 degrees.
    May you remember to retire before you die & whoop it up even if you can't walk
    No rhymes in here, just good wishes. Toast!

  • [font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 03-17-03 AT 06:08PM (CST)[/font][p]Don, for making me feel 17 again, here's your award:

    Regarding the reflections of Don
    I can relate to all (but one!)
    Mem-o-ries, good
    I'd go back if I could
    The Zen contest....'You have won'!

    Have a great day! :)
  • If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
    he's the guy who once said:

    I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

    Here are some more of his gems:

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

  • These are great! Thanks for sharing.
  • I was having a bad day, but now I am smiling! Thanks!
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