Office Memo
HS
923 Posts
[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 12-09-02 AT 10:48AM (CST)[/font][p]We have had to make some recent changes to the current policies. Please be
aware that these are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to Fw Office Memo - New Work Poli.ems allowing
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However,
we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own
replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In
the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees and
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the
stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch
to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Management
aware that these are EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need
a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to Fw Office Memo - New Work Poli.ems allowing
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However,
we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own
replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In
the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees and
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the
stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch
to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Management
Comments
Oh, and you're welcome for the chuckle.