upcoming holidays
Lola815
225 Posts
since the holidays are approaching I thought I would post this (what I thought was funny) email I got a couple years ago.
December 3rd:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can
be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas
to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 4th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Detector
December 5th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange - no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10
is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 6th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 7th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces Disburser
December 10th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 11th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
December 3rd:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can
be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas
to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 4th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree
and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Detector
December 5th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange - no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10
is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 6th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 7th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces Disburser
December 10th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 11th:
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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