FEMALE SEEKING FEMALE ROOMMATE

SENOJ

I have encountered a very sensitive situation. I will change names to protect the innocent and bring clarity to the issue. Sue, a known homosexual employee, asked Nancy to be here roommate. Sue and Nancy had a lot in common except Nancy is strictly heterosexual and not interested in Sue. Sue did not push the issue. The request however made Nancy very uncomfortable, to the point that she shared her experiences with HR but said she would handle it. Nancy took care of the issue and it was closed. Well, in recent months Sue lost her house due to a gambling problem and is now seeking shelter by asking other employees, usually single females, if they would have her as a roommate. Our facility is very small and word travels...in 3-D. One of the ladies she asked, I will call her Missy, did not know she was gay and befriended Sue. Sue soon asked if she could move in with her. Missy is not looking for a roommate and is embrassed that other employees thinks she is gay by association. Missy is very timid and afraid to tell Sue to back off. Sue makes trips to her department on break, expects her to have lunch with her and is overly friendly. Missy wants her to quietly go away. I try hard not to get in the middle of employee relations and expect them to work them out as adults. Do you think I should talk to Sue, explain the rumors and offer our EAP for assistance. Having lost her home may be a tough place for her. Give me your thoughts. I would rather not get involved but my direct boss thinks differently. My dotted-line boss says stay out, she is having enough trouble than to have management say, we know you are homeless and people are talking about you.

HELP IN TENNESSEE!!!!!

rad

I think Missy and Nancy are overreacting. What made Nancy uncomfortable about Sue's request to be roomamtes? Did she interpret it as a sexual advance? Why does Missy think others think she is gay by association? Maybe I'm extremely open minded but last time I checked its ok for gay people and straight people to be friends. Offer Sue EAP to help her through the homeless issue and to let her know its not appropriate to go around asking co workers if she can live with them. I just don't see how her sexuality plays into this. She is probably asking to live with single females because that is what we do - we don't ask single males.

marc

If there is no reporting relationship at issue, I would stay out of it. You cannot protect everyone from the consequences of their choices and their lack of gumption. Missy needs to stand up and assert herself! Whatever happened to open, honest communication? She needs to gently inform Sue that she no longer is interested in her as a roommate.

What is HR even doing in this mix? The only HR issue you have described is the possibility of EAP to address the gambling and subsequent homelessness. You can lead a horse to water...
After that, it is up to these ADULTS to work out their own personal lives.

Don D

Not knowing the depth or context of the conversations, I don't know that it's inappropriate for an employee to ask others if they can temporarily offer her a room. It might be that this is her only circle of associates and the workforce is comfortable enough with each other to ask those types of things. What if she were NOT (suspected of being) homosexual? Would this then still be an issue. If not, others have made it a sexually charged issue when maybe it is not one. If, on the other hand, it does turn out to be a cruising methodology, I'm sure adults know how to handle those types of advances and don't need Human Resources to do that for them. And if the conversations take a different twist, you may indeed have sexual harassment.


(Disclaimer: My post is my opinion only and is not intended to offend or slam any person or group. If you disagree with my opinion, please state yours and not attack mine.)

Kiwi

What would Missy do if it were a man she was not interested in being friendly with? She should just say flat out that she is not interested in taking in a roommate, she has plans for lunch, can't talk right now, etc.

I don't think I'd dignify the rumor mill by addressing the rumors. Sue has probably heard them too. And what can she really do about them, anyway? Good idea on offering the EAP to help with the homeless issue (and maybe the gambling problem). Solve the real problem and the rumor mill will have to move on to something else.

Cinderella

Unless Sue is sexually harassing people HR has no business in this situation. Maximum involvement (in my opinion) should consist of HR telling Sue about EAP info - you don't have to tell her what you do or don't know about her situation, just give her the info. If Sue is visiting another employee when they are both on break then it is none of HR's concern unless there is inappropriate behavior occurring in the workplace or the other employee is not on break and her work is being disrupted. If Missy complains to HR I would "counsel" her to simply handle the situation as an adult and tell Sue she is not interested in having a close friendship with her. Don't let Missy or her situation twist your arm into doing the "dirty work" for her. If you do, the situation will only escalate even to the point of discrimination claims being filed (stranger things have happened).

Don D

I agree with everything you said except the mention of discrimination. The poster is in Tennessee and there is no sexual-preference discrimination in that or most states.

Cinderella

Very true - it's not against the law to discriminate against an employee or applicant's sexual preferences in most states. In my opinion it should be, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time until most states adopt it.

Don D

Aha, but Cinderella, and not to offend you or anyone else, but the advice we give each other today should be based on the realities of today, rather than those we individually hope or think one day might exist.

If I were to caution one of us that they might be facing a discrimination charge should they take certain action, I would owe it to me and to all of us to at least be able to somehow link that behavior with an actionable charge. And in Tennessee and most other states, today, no such linkage exists.

Cinderella

You didn't offend me, but I didn't express what I was thinking clearly in my last message. What I was saying in my original post was that there could be a possibility of a discrimination charge. You mentioned in your reply that in the great state of Tennessee there is no such law that protects gays and lesbians from discrimination. What I trying to express in my response to that was: you're right, but for me, discriminating against someone because of their sexual preference is as insane as discriminating against someone because they are Asian, pregnant, a woman, disabled, etc. In fact, if a company in an area where the law does not protect gays and lesbians doesn't have a voluntary policy on this, I wouldn't even consider working there (keep in mind my main HR function is recruiting).

ritaanz

I agree that this is not a HR issue. However, Missy dropped it in your lap and you need to give "it" back to Missy.

Giving Sue information about the company's EAP is fine, but there's a message you must give to Missy. Just because Missy is timid does not mean you fight the battle for her. Maybe it has not dawned on Missy that she can just say no.

If I were in your chair, I would tell Missy that this is not a HR matter and if she does not want a roommate, to tell Sue that. No long, drawn out explanations.

Sounds to me that Sue is more of a leech than a homosexual looking for a partner.