PHI - am I overreacting?
juju
120 Posts
I have lurked for a while and posted a few times here and have seen that many forumites are straight shooters, which is great because I really need an objective opinion in this case.
Two years ago I got pregnant. I tried for several days to meet with my boss for just 5 minutes but he kept putting me off because he was busy. Before I could tell him, he asked one of my co-workers (who happens to be a good friend) and, since he is her boss too and she knew that I was frustrated about not being able to tell him myself, she told him yes. Then throughout my pregnancy, he would pop in her office and ask how I was doing, if I was ok, etc. It bothered me (especially because I had no problems and did not miss any time) but I just tried to ignore it.
Now I am pregnant again. I only planned to tell one person (the same co-worker)until I was sure everything was ok. Last Thurs I had a scare and had to take off Friday for further tests. I couldn't get a hold of my boss so my co-worker told him I had to be off for medical reasons. Thankfully I found out on Friday that everything was a-ok and planned to tell my boss and everyone else at work this past Monday. When I called my co-worker to tell her, she was pretty excited and happy for me. My boss overheard part of the conversation and (you guessed it) went in to the co-worker and asked if I was ok. She said yes. He then asked if I was pregnant. She felt cornered and didn't know how much of the conversation he had overheard so she told him yes. On Monday, he stands in the hall outside my office and offers his congratulations (with other co-workers, who I had not yet told, standing around and within earshot). Then he made the comment that "without (co-worker), I would never know what's going on here." It was all I could do to snap back that without him I may have had some semblance of privacy!
I don't know if I should talk to him about this or just get over it. I really am not looking forward to another pregnancy with him asking everyone but me how I'm doing. I am a somewhat private person and I will tell him what I think he needs to know, but nothing more.
So am I an overreacting pregnant person trying to wear these pre-pregnancy jeans just one more time on a casual Friday? Let me know honestly. I can take it.
Two years ago I got pregnant. I tried for several days to meet with my boss for just 5 minutes but he kept putting me off because he was busy. Before I could tell him, he asked one of my co-workers (who happens to be a good friend) and, since he is her boss too and she knew that I was frustrated about not being able to tell him myself, she told him yes. Then throughout my pregnancy, he would pop in her office and ask how I was doing, if I was ok, etc. It bothered me (especially because I had no problems and did not miss any time) but I just tried to ignore it.
Now I am pregnant again. I only planned to tell one person (the same co-worker)until I was sure everything was ok. Last Thurs I had a scare and had to take off Friday for further tests. I couldn't get a hold of my boss so my co-worker told him I had to be off for medical reasons. Thankfully I found out on Friday that everything was a-ok and planned to tell my boss and everyone else at work this past Monday. When I called my co-worker to tell her, she was pretty excited and happy for me. My boss overheard part of the conversation and (you guessed it) went in to the co-worker and asked if I was ok. She said yes. He then asked if I was pregnant. She felt cornered and didn't know how much of the conversation he had overheard so she told him yes. On Monday, he stands in the hall outside my office and offers his congratulations (with other co-workers, who I had not yet told, standing around and within earshot). Then he made the comment that "without (co-worker), I would never know what's going on here." It was all I could do to snap back that without him I may have had some semblance of privacy!
I don't know if I should talk to him about this or just get over it. I really am not looking forward to another pregnancy with him asking everyone but me how I'm doing. I am a somewhat private person and I will tell him what I think he needs to know, but nothing more.
So am I an overreacting pregnant person trying to wear these pre-pregnancy jeans just one more time on a casual Friday? Let me know honestly. I can take it.
Comments
In defense of your boss, maybe he feels it is embarrassing to not only him, but maybe to you for him to be asking personal questions. Maybe if you went to him and let him know what was going on, this time might be different than the last. Good Luck and congratulations!!!!
Your coworker should have referred your boss back to you for any info that he wanted on your "condition".
Since this is already out, I would just have a "sit down" with my boss stating just what you have said about being a very private person and you are very reluctant to discuss personal issues about yourself in the workplace. I would ask, in the future, if he had any questions about you, to ask you instead of co-workers.
If you put this tactfully, he should accept your comments without question.
As you now know and have seen reinforced, it is literally impossible to share with one person something you expect to keep secret. You should have learned the first time that if you could not resist the urge to tell this co-worker, you certainly should have coupled your announcement with a strong admonition to her to keep it to herself. I would think she could then have said, "Hey, you'll have to ask her about that," and kept her nose in her computer instead of your business.
Chill out about the thing. Everybody there is happy for you and surely you want them to be. If you didn't want well wishes and followup questions from people who obviously like and care about you, you should have bought clothes that would hide the fact as long as you could and then go into seclusion after that.
A word of advice: You should have learned your lesson with the first pregnancy and how that was handled at your office. You didn't. Now, you've repeated the same mistake. So, when this one is an up-an-running-toddler, and along comes number three, be sure to handle it more discreetly. In the meantime, for damage control; tell HER that you want your private business kept private and tell HIM, "I appreciate your interest. I'm doing great. But I'm not comfortable discussing pregnancy issues at work." Then you'll wonder why everyone seems to be avoiding you and nobody seems to care that you're pregnant.
You're right that I should have learned something from how my last pregnancy was handled and put a stop to it then if it was bothering me. Your advice was good - I will use it when I talk to him. And whoa with the child number 3 comment just yet - a toddler and a newborn will be enough for now, thanks! Unless you are willing to come babysit...
However, it's going to come out one way or another. If you have to take time off work for bed rest or if you just show up one day in maternity clothes, co-workers are going to know about it.
But if it were a serious health condition how would your boss react? Would he be asking other employees about your health? Would he stand outside your office where others can hear to ask you about it? Maybe he needs to be updated on the HIPAA privacy laws. If you are in HR, you might take this opportunity to (nicely) enlighten him about the importance of keeping health issues confidential and only those in a 'need to know' position should be told.
Congratulations and may your 9 months go smoothly!
Congradulation,s, we want tell anyone else, except the 10,000 side line readers though out the world that JUJU is expecting, ok?
PORK
So, here's the straight shoot. YOU are letting this situation continue. From your post, I would say that you did it from day one of the knowledge of your first pregnancy. Girl, get a back bone - to say that you tried several times, to just get 5 minutes of your boss's time the first time around, but was unsuccessful - tells me that you need to invest in assertiveness training. The issue of your co-worker telling your boss how things are going - is irrelevant to me - completely & totally. Take back the control, learn how to be more assertive (and I don't mean b*&@$y) and approach your boss with a sit down. If you can't meet with him in the hallway - request a formal meeting with him through his assistant or a request by email. Don't let any more time go by without asserting yourself - you cheat yourself & no one else.
I think the assertiveness training is a good idea and you should start your first lesson now. Sit your boss down and give him your reasoning. He definitely wants to be in the loop. Let him know that you wanted him in on the last one but he could not make time for you to tell him directly. If he is a good guy and just kind of stumbling and bumbling, etc. he will want to know this and learn from it. Then let him know that his broadcasting of the pregnancy was inappropriate and tell him why. He will feel bad and hopefully grow from the experience.
Bosses need to learn to, give this one a chance.
And by the way, I can keep a secret, it's the people I tell that cannot.x;-)