Terminating a Friend
Parabeagle
3,085 Posts
I was just given some very bad news. I am going to terminate a coworker and friend. Let me explain a little bit and maybe the Forumaniacs can suggest something to help me get through this.
I've not only known this individual since I started here over three years ago, I have worked very closely with her. In fact, she was on the selection committee and had a hand in hiring and orienting me. She helped me rewrite from the ground up a dismal policy manual, set up my office, was always a great sounding board when I needed one and just overall a pleasant coworker.
A few years ago she suffered an industrial injury that left her on light duty (basically half-time)up until last July when she went out on time loss to have surgery to correct the injury. Her recovery has been one setback after another and, in my conversations with her she is really anxious to get back to work. However, the three-year deadline from date of injury has passed, her FMLA has expired, and any reemployment rights she enjoyed under our workers' comp laws have expired. She is not a "qualified person with a disability" for ADA purposes because she can't perform her old job with or without reasonable accommodation. Docs figure it will be a couple of more years before she can resume unrestricted duty. We have no other position we can plug her into even if she could come back to work. Her old job has been filled and the incumbent's performance is as good (in some cases better) than my friend's. Since her FMLA expired, we have basically kept her on the books as an employee on a "discretionary" leave of absence.
So, I have the dismal job, for the first time in my career, of telling a friend that they are no longer needed. It's really easy to intellectualize it as impersonal and a business decision (and the right one), but the human aspect of the situation is going to make it extremely difficult for me to execute. I generally don't have a problem terminating those who deserve it, for whatever reason. But this is new for me. Unlike a lot of you, I've never had to lay people off - closest I ever came to that was selling off a division of the company and the buyer immediately hired all of the employees, so it wasn't like they lost their incomes.
Sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to delicately handle a situation like this, I'm all ears (and maybe a couple of tumblers of Jack Daniels might help).
I've not only known this individual since I started here over three years ago, I have worked very closely with her. In fact, she was on the selection committee and had a hand in hiring and orienting me. She helped me rewrite from the ground up a dismal policy manual, set up my office, was always a great sounding board when I needed one and just overall a pleasant coworker.
A few years ago she suffered an industrial injury that left her on light duty (basically half-time)up until last July when she went out on time loss to have surgery to correct the injury. Her recovery has been one setback after another and, in my conversations with her she is really anxious to get back to work. However, the three-year deadline from date of injury has passed, her FMLA has expired, and any reemployment rights she enjoyed under our workers' comp laws have expired. She is not a "qualified person with a disability" for ADA purposes because she can't perform her old job with or without reasonable accommodation. Docs figure it will be a couple of more years before she can resume unrestricted duty. We have no other position we can plug her into even if she could come back to work. Her old job has been filled and the incumbent's performance is as good (in some cases better) than my friend's. Since her FMLA expired, we have basically kept her on the books as an employee on a "discretionary" leave of absence.
So, I have the dismal job, for the first time in my career, of telling a friend that they are no longer needed. It's really easy to intellectualize it as impersonal and a business decision (and the right one), but the human aspect of the situation is going to make it extremely difficult for me to execute. I generally don't have a problem terminating those who deserve it, for whatever reason. But this is new for me. Unlike a lot of you, I've never had to lay people off - closest I ever came to that was selling off a division of the company and the buyer immediately hired all of the employees, so it wasn't like they lost their incomes.
Sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to delicately handle a situation like this, I'm all ears (and maybe a couple of tumblers of Jack Daniels might help).
Comments
I find that when I have to have a conversation (of any type) that I am unhappy with or worried about that it helps to tell the person just that. Maybe that wouldn't be appropriate in other term situations, but when terming a friend I think it's called for.
Since the two of you got along so well, I'm sure she is a reasonable person with good sense and realizes that as the ER there is little else you can do at this point.
Good luck to you, let us know how it turns out.
Cinderella
I too have not had to terminate a friend and mentor, but I have had to set up ground rules, change policy/procedure with them. In your meeting I would let this person know all of the options that have been sought, but no solution, except termination is evident at this time. I would also let her know how difficult this decision has been as well. As standard procedure in my company, we supply UI information as well as all other term benefits (401(k), COBRA, vacation cash-out, etc.) I give this information to the term'ing ee and let them know at that time whether we would consider them rehirable or not. Sometimes the meeting goes really well & the ee's appreciate the effort that's been made to save their job (i.e. other options sought) and the term benefits stuff at their fingertips - other times not so well. Respect is the key I think & that's what I would strive for in this instance. Good luck.
She has to know that while this term is a personal situation for you, it's not a personal decision. You've looked at all the options, used all the available options, and now they've run out.
Hang in there - and weather permitting you and JD can chill out in front of a fireplace somewhere.
Couple of thoughts.......the couple of tumblers of Jack Daniels ain't a bad idea. Sounds like your friend is not currently in the office.....
I think I would see about a lunch meeting, somewhere where you can have some privacy.......I would have a hard time making a friend who is off of work come into work to term them. Bummer no matter how you look at it.
She will see it in your eyes, and hear in your voice how hard it is for you. And I feel pretty good in saying that when asked about it after the fact, she will say she was glad it was you who told her.
She will understand.......but that will not make doing it any easier............make sure you leave plenty of time........
If she had a good base of friends there you might give thought to a going away happy hour after hours......this would be something for a later date, after the sting/shock of the employment ending is past.
My lousy $0.02 worth.
DJ The Balloonman
Remember that YOU are not dismissing her, but the company is. Where you feel most comfortable talking to her depends on your relationship. A quiet restaurant, your office, her home... but do it in person.
Ask about personal belongings that might still be at the worksite, and make arrangements to return those to her. At the same time, arrange for the return of any company property in her possession.
From your posts, I would say you are a sensitive person and you won't need any help getting through this. You will instinctively know what to say. I'd leave the Jack Daniels for AFTER you meet with her!
Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts. Keep us posted as to how this goes.
Good luck, PORK
I have done this and it ain't easy. My friend had been completely off work for less than year; before that several lengthy LOA's. She knew it was coming and she told me that she was sorry that I had to be the one to deliver the news. Before it was all over, we both needed a tissue. We were able to remain friends.
I recall that DonD posting about a termination meeting that turned into a good thing? Gosh when was that??
I never want to be in a situation of "hurting" a friend or being in a situation where if anything happended to affect the employer's interests in the matter, suspicion would center on my friendship.
I can tell you that I have discharged direct subordinates in HR - but I didn't consider them to be friends, so I didn't have the ethical qualms in doing it (beyond the sadness of having to fire anyone, even if deserved).
Is there anyone who can do it for you? Don't place yourself in s situation where you feel you "backstabbed" a friend.
Even though it's very difficult for you, I am sure she would feel better having it come from you. This doesn't do much for your hurt feelings, but maybe Brother Jack (Daniels) will help!
Good luck and let us know what happens.
Please let us know.
For me, the best thing to do after the deed is done is find a good friend, get drunk and cry.
This is a business decision and should be handled that way. I would not invite her to lunch or go to her home with the bad news. Ask her to come in to see you because you have some issues to discuss with her. Give her some background by explaining to her the support the company has already given her and then discuss her options. I presume this disability would be covered either under workers comp or long term disability and social security.
As HR professionals we have to be able to disconnect our emotions in order to be able to provide the best advise and counsel necessary. Your compassion and concern will be apparent. Don't make it any harder on yourself or on her.
Compassion is key and hearing it from you is best in my opinion. I have found that people are not naive and are usually expecting these things. Make sure she knows that this was not an easy decision and that all options were looked at carefully. Give a bit of choice back to her and let her decide if she wants to have you box up her things, or if she wants to. If she is welcome to reapply in the future, tell her that.
You will get through this. Breathe, relax, then vent (or drink) as much as you need to after to maintain your sanity.
Let me know if I can be of help any further and let us know here how it turned out. Best of luck to you Beagle.
The person involved was a long time family friend of over 20 years. This person knew me since I was still playing with Barbies.
You have some great advice here. The only other advice I can give is be compassionate, patient, understanding and take as much time with person as the need to grieve, complain, vent and comprehend the situation before them. Do not show pity. Be straightforward and strong with them or for them. Remember, this is going to be harder for the employee, so try not to show too much emotion in order to help them stay composed and focused on what they need to know.
I hope that you find the strength and courage you need to get through this. I'm sure you will.
You have a lot of friends on the forum who are as much in your corner as we can be for this difficult task.
If the situation were reversed, where would you want to receive the news? Would you rather do it it the office or have a semi-private off premises meeting? Since you and this person are close, you can probably make an accurate call for this part of the task. After that, there is no easy way, but there are a lot of harsh ways. Rely on your friendship and compassion. I like the thought that once some level of rehabilitation is achieved, you will gladly consider her for any open position that has duties she can perform. Good recommendations are obviously available. Other than that, listen to her, be a shoulder if she wants one. Depending on her level of awareness that this has been coming for a while, she may or may not want to drag it out with you and may look for solace from whatever other support system she has in place (family and other friends). Don't take any of her reactions personally. Another reply mentioned that it is the Company doing this, not you personally.
Good luck, we feel for you and will be the invisible friends helping you through this. Just don't let others hear you talking to us out loud during this time - they will think you more than passing strange.