Favorites VS Professional Distance

terminate

As a subordinate, how would you deal with your manager/director/whomever 'playing favorites' within your department? For example, inviting one (out of several in department) over for a child's birthday party, tupperware party, etc. and not anyone else? Am I off the wall by thinking a person in charge of an entire department shouldn't invite ANYONE that reports to them to a personal/family/social event? What happened to professional distance?

Rockie

I think this person is using very poor professional judgment. If she plays favorites in outside activities, who is to say, she doesn't (and probably does) gives preferential treatment at work. It's a line that is easy to cross when you have personal relationships at work between supervisors and subordinates.

I have seen the same thing happen in departments where birthday cakes are given to some people and others are forgotten - some people get going away lunches and some people don't. Some people get baby showers and some people don't.
Then you have to deal with hurt feelings animosity, etc. Personally, I feel these things should be conducted away from the worksite if they are conducted at all.

I try to keep my personal and professional life separate. Unless you want intimate details of your life shared with the entire organization, you had better keep it to yourself. It's amazing to me what people will share with total strangers and then act shocked when everyone knows about it.

Margaret Morford

I think there's nothing wrong with a manager doing something with the people that work for them outside of work. In fact, I would encourage that as a way to bring a team together. Have evryone over for dinner or plan a dinner at a local restuarant, go white water rafting together, etc. However, everyone needs to be invited. And it ahould not be a tupperware party where the people feel pressure to buy something.

Margaret Morford
theHRedge
615-371-8200
[email]mmorford@mleesmith.com[/email]
[url]http://www.thehredge.net[/url]

Don D

But I don't think I'd get a wedgie over missing the tupperware party.

NaeNae55

I had a supervisor once who invited me to personal events that she did not invite other employees to. However, I was never in any doubt that the invitation was private and not to be spoken of to other employees, or that my invitation in no way changed our professional relationship. During working hours we were supervisor and employee, outside of working hours we became friends. The friendship helped us to understand each other and our business relationship improved. The key though, was not making other employees feel that they were left out, or that I got preferential treatment at work (I didn't).

Janet

Although I don't supervise anyone directly, being in HR I deal with most everyone at some point or another. I've always made it a point not to buy anything, attend Tupperware parties, etc., so I (HR) can't be accused of playing favorites. I've seen situations where supervisors/managers do these sorts of things, and the talk of "playing favorites" abounds.

Cinderella

So what should I do? I'm the subordinate...
Any advice?

HS

Depending on your relationship with your supervisor (friendly, not friendly...and I'm assuming it's the latter), you could talk to her. Otherwise, I'd talk to the person above her whom you feel most comfortable talking to and 'causually mention' what is going on and how it is making 'others' feel, or how it is being 'perceived'. Just don't make it about you, whatever you do, because then it may been seen as griping or jealousy by some. Make sure you make it about how it's affecting business or morale in the department.

Good Luck

Don D

Cinderella: One word of caution. If you do decide to go, just be sure you are back home by midnight, or..............

Crout

What do you mean by "playing favorites?" I don't believe that an invitation out for one person is evidence of favoritism. I think you'd have to see a pattern of favoritism in regard to work assignments, time off, levels of accountability, etc. Who people socialize with in their off hours would not concern me.

franfields

The subordinate relationship often comes out of one peer being promoted over another. If they were friends before the promotion, they can't just shut that off. If that is why someone is being invited, don't sweat it. I have seen it work well. I have seen instances of favoritism but I have also seen instances where the subordinate ends up getting the raw end of the deal in order to avoid the appearance of favoritism.

Unless your or someone else's career or work product is effected by it, don't worry about it. The manager has a right to befriend whomever they want and are not obligated to invite others along who probably only go because they feel obligated.

njjel

As franfield states it may be the manager's "right" to socialize with whomever he/she wishes after hours however in any situation I have ever been party to this has ALWAYS raised questions and lowered morale in general. Therefore it isn't a practice that I recommend.

HS

>As franfield states it may be the manager's "right" to socialize with
>whomever he/she wishes after hours however in any situation I have
>ever been party to this has ALWAYS raised questions and lowered morale
>in general. Therefore it isn't a practice that I recommend.


Amen to that Nigel...Managers need to be more "aware" of how things may be perceived by other subordinates. It's a sticky situation; for example, let's say that the employee who does get invited then gets a promotion (well deserved) over another employee who didn't get invited (not deserved). Even though the one employee deserved the promotion, think of how it would look to the 'outsiders' who don't know the facts of who does or doesn't deserve the promotion. People in management positions should be consistent and professional ALWAYS. If they are friends with a subordinate, they should do everything possible to keep it separate from work...Like not discussing anything personal at the office, no invites to anywhere that is of a personal nature, etc. It's bad for business.

franfields

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 09-13-02 AT 08:27AM (CST)[/font][p]Njjel, don't get me wrong. I didn't say I would recommend it. Quite frankly, I wouldn't. As I said, I have seen it work against the subordinate as well as for them and, yes, it can cause problems with those who just can't seem to concentrate on what they are being paid to do without also worrying about what happens outside the workplace.

I do, however, stand by my statement that it is their right to socialize with whomever they wish if they can separate professional from personal. What a shame we don't live in the perfect world where it wouldn't hurt morale. x:-(

HS

franfields...it's called 'grade school mentality'...or whatever euphemism you want to use. People always want to be included in activities...and feel slighted, insecure, jealous (and whatever other adjective you want to throw in) when the aren't 'picked' for the event that is taking place.

Margaret hit it on the head earlier...It's great for a manager to want to boost morale in the department by having an outing, but it should be made available for all employees that manager oversees.

Don D

So, HS, I think what I hear you recommending is that the manager accommodate the 'grade school mentality' rather than inviting her friend of 20 years (also her subordinate) to her son's birthday party.

HS

>So, HS, I think what I hear you recommending is that the manager
>accommodate the 'grade school mentality' rather than inviting her
>friend of 20 years (also her subordinate) to her son's birthday party.


No Don, what I'm saying is that it the asking should be done outside of work...Personal 'business' should be kept out of Work 'business'. The way I understand it, the invitation came during working hours. If the manager does not want to cause dissention amongnst her ranks, she should know better and keep her friendship outside!

Carol CA

This is a really tough one. People spend more of their waking hours with people at work than they do with their own family. It is natural that friendships will evolve and it is natural that you will like some people better than others. You will also have more items in common with some co-workers than others. Although everyone should be careful about not mixing work and home too much, I think it is natural to invite one co-worker to a child's birthday party (especially where they may have children of similar ages) but not other co-workers who do not have children. If you are truely being discriminated against because your boss is showing favoritism in work assignments, etc. then you may wish to speak up. Keep in mind, however, if you go over your boss' head to complain this won't win you any points either. If you are just envious of the closeness the boss shares with someone else, but it isn't affecting the actual work, then get over it. If you can't get over it, try fostering some things in common with the boss. If that still doesn't work, leave.

Paul in Cannon Beach

People are people even in the workplace. They make friends (hopefully). They develop relationships. Some of this activity happens outside of the workplace. I don't see what the big deal is. Sounds like sour grapes to me.

[email]paulknoch@hotmail.com[/email]

p.s. but then again, its been a long week and I am grouchy

terminate

[font size="1" color="#FF0000"]LAST EDITED ON 09-15-02 AT 03:12PM (CST)[/font][p]I'm not talking about a 20 year relationship nor a peer relationship affected by a promotion. Plain and simple: the manager invites one particular subordinate to social activities and takes no measures to include anyone else. It strikes me as odd...I've never had a manager like this. All of the places I've ever worked it's been like this: no true "rule" about management and subordinates having friendships/relationships but it is "generally understood" that it is a bad idea to mix and mingle too much socially due to the problems it can cause (ie: misunderstandings, insubordination, decreased productivity, gossip, low morale, etc.).
The funny thing is, I would never be interested in attending one of these "outings" with my boss. One, because she's my boss and I don't think it's appropriate and two, because I'm just not interested in the outings themselves.
I find myself disliking the subordinate as well as the boss more and more these days. I suppose it is a bit about jealousy, but how can I be jealous about something I wouldn't even be interested in in the first place? Others in the department feel as I do so I know I'm not alone...I just don't know what to do about it.

franfields

I think you are spending too much time worrying and talking to others about this. Get over it.

Don D

I have to agree with franfields. There are larger fish to fry. Or, as the late Dudy Nobles, famed long-time, Mississippi State baseball coach often said, "Gentlemen, we're talking about rat s- - - and there's elephant turds lying all around!" Sorry, but it wouldn't be right not to quote the man correctly.

Carol CA

I agree with the above. I know it hurts not to be asked. You'd like to be asked even if you don't want to go. Perhaps your boss picks up on that and doesn't invite you because she doesn't think you'd be interested. At any rate, move on. Look at all the things you enjoy about your job and focus on those instead of a negative. You'd be amazed how positive thinking can turn things around, but it takes a conscious effort to remain looking at the good things when you feel tempted to slide back to the negative.

Crout

I really have to agree with Fran and Don, and Mr. Nobles as well. I'm not sure why you seem to be personalizing your Manager's choice of social companions, but it is worth all the energy? The whole thing seems too trivial to worry about.

HS

>The whole thing seems too trivial to worry about.

Well Crout (and everyone else) We all have our opinions and I'm going to restate mine...

This isn't so 'trivial' if it's making memebers of a team feel slighted or 'left out'. It is a potential warning sign for future problems. As HR professionals, we need to keep an eye out for potential situations, right? This one seems like a glaring neon sign to me. How can a department operate as a team when there is bitterness amongnst the members?? We have a similar situation in one of our departments and there is now a problem. Certain people who attend the 'outings' are in higher level positions then when they started. Now maybe it's deservedly so, however the people who didn't attend the outings now feel like 'outsiders' and that they'd have gotten the promotions or the favorable 'whatever' if they'd just attended.

Sour grapes, maybe...but also potential work related issues like harrassment, poor production, low morale...

One can't just sweep this under the rug and hope out of sight, out of mind...

Don D

I just went back and re-read the whole thing, post for post. It was sorta like the old test of telling a person one thing and having them relate it to another and so on, down the line throughout the room. The final outcome didn't resemble the initial comment. This started as one person privately inviting one person to either a child's party or a tupperware event. It got stretched to being unfair to favoritism, to unprofessionalism, to playing favorites to ignoring others, to not fostering teamwork to abuse of company time to almost destroying the company. Some of you were pretty imaginative in your stretch. I suggest that there are malcontents in every department in every company in every city. Malcontents will proffer whatever they can dream up to facilitate and justify their permanent discontented state. Some of them will spend very little time in productive work and will spend almost eight hours a day displaying their ill feelings about the workplace and their personal plight. Now, if a manager stood up and exclaimed his/her intention to host a party after work and shouted, "I'd like to invite you and you and you, but not you and certainly not you," that would be something worth criticizing. But discreetly inviting a subordinate to an event away from work? Gimme a break.

franfields

I totally agree with Don (and that scares me x:D).

I repeat my earlier comment, Get over it! Stop being part of the watercooler set talking about who does what to whom socially and concentrate on doing your job well. If doing your job well is not the way to progress in your company, find another place to work.

HS

> This started as one person privately inviting one person to either a child's party or a tupperware event.


Do we know it was private?? I reread the initial post and it didn't seem to be private. My opinion still stays the same...if it was private, then good for that manager, if it wasn't then it should be addresed and taken care of.

I'm not disagreeing with Don or anyone else who is saying 'get over it', what I am saying is that I've seen first hand (see previous post on a dept. in my co.) how a person feels being on the 'outside' and how it affected their work performance, interaction with others and overall morale. It ended up that a hard working, loyal employee got written up for negativity and poor performance. This could all have been avoided if the personal functions were kept private between the manager and invited employees. Now as HR, I am finding myself having to 'look into' the matter and see if there is something going on...if there's validity to the claim that, "since I'm not part of that young, fun crowd who goes out with the manager...then I'm going to be held back from all future positive work related promotions(, special meetings, etc)..."

I've also gone through 'Civil Treatment for Manager' training and their advice back then was the same...managers should keep their personal lives separate from work and avoid, if possible, attending personal functions with people in their departments (unless a whole department function)...solely based on how it could be viewed by those who don't attend should a 'claim' be made for unethical treatment.

JKK

I have to say there are problems either way... I work in a company that has a lot of ex-pat workers from the same country, as such they tend to socialize together, or at least initially. One new manager socialized outside with many of the staff and this resulted in major problems of gossip, backbiting, etc. So this manager did what they thought was the best thing and stopped attending any of these functions. This manager is unbelievably the target of more gossip now than before - the other staff think this manager now thinks they are too good for the rest of the staff. I can't blame the new manager, they were in a new country and didn't know anyone other than their work colleagues, who else were they going to socialize with?
But this doesn't happen just to managers, any of the staff that find their own friends outside the 'inner circle' and stop socializing as much with them, are targets of gossip, nasty comments, and sabotage at work.
The 'inner circle' staff are the ones playing favorites and it does cause problems within the workplace, but as HR I can't prove anything - it is all gossip, innuendo and rumors.
Personally, I'm beginning to think that staff don't have enough work to do if they have all this time to spread idle gossip and rumors or talk about other staff members personal lives - get on with your job (while you have one)and your life, and stop worrying about other people.

Crout

>Sour grapes, maybe...but also potential work related issues like
>harrassment, poor production, low morale...

>One can't just sweep this under the rug and hope out of sight, out of
>mind...

HS, I hear what you're saying, and maybe I'm a bit "old school" (by that I mean U.S. Marines old school, admittedly not the best training ground for sensitivity), but I just don't see the link between a tupperware party and poor production. etc. I know that as HR professionals we should be mindful of people's "feelings", but this is kind of a stretch. To be honest, if I were counseling an employee on this topic, I would suspect that there are other, deeper issues going on that have more to do with the EE's emotional state than with any real offense committed by the Manager. In that context, "get over it" is not such bad advice, although I would opt for "suck it up and shake it off," which was THE favorite expression of one of my former supervisors, and can be applied to almost ANY situation.

bsa

No one else mentioned this --so --- if it is bugging you enough to bring the subject up with us, then you should speak to the manager/director/whomever. Tell her that you and others in the department are aware of her personal friendship with one employee in the department and that it is causing some resentment. Tell her that you are only giving her a "heads up" that a morale problem is brewing. She probably thinks that no one has paid any attention to the friendship and doesn't have a clue that anyone finds it inappropriate. THEN, get back to work and focus on positive performance and stay away from the gossip corner. Good luck!